Teshik's Telekom Saga

I will never send payndz any email again. Why? Because the last one cost me 65 €s and the remaining shreds of my sanity.
Okay, maybe I should explain that one. As I've probably ranted about before, I spent the last two weeks programming an SQL database capable of being remotedly accessed (servlet application). This required me to write code and curse about it on 18 fucking hours a day, on average. We were supposed to be ready on Tuesday evening, and present it to our professor's assistant on Wednesday(aka today).

Unfortunately, on this Monday evening, my Modem suddenly saw a bright light, and Grandpapa Modem and Grandmama Modem were there too, and everything was fuzzy and bright and warm and *bzzzt*. Modem dead. Oh well, not really. My modem is(or was) special, so it decided to be the very first Terri Shiavo Modem ever. And of course it didn't left a note or something regarding its permanent vegetative state, so I was clueless.
So, after sending out the mentioned email regarding the Harmed game, I wanted to post in the remaining Twop thread. "Page not found". Huh? Try again. Nope. Hmm. Restarting the router usually helps...nope. Restarting Terri Shiavo? Still no luck. Terri Shiavo still smiles at me(or at least, I think. Could be indigestion, too), telling me it's still functioning, only it can't get a signal from the ADSL network. Fiiine. No pressure. It's not like I have programming work to do that I can't DO offline or something.
So I decide the Telekom is just maintaining the network, it'll be online again in an hour or so. It isn't. I decide to call the Telekom service hotline, because I'm desperate.

---

Teshik: Hello, this is...
Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: Yeah, whatever, just tell me which buttons to push.
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy?
Teshik: Oh fuck, no.
Telekom: Just tell me now which topic are you calling for. If it is your phone line, please say "Telefon" right now. If it is concerning your internet connection, say "Internet". If it's about your cell phone...
Teshik: Internet.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Handy" (cell phone)
Teshik: No I didn't.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Vertrag" (choose new contract)
Teshik: NO, you stupid piece of shit...dammit.*click* *tut-tut-tut* *redial*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just...
Teshik: Yeah, I know. "Internet". "Innnnternet".
Telekom: ...phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about...
Teshik: "Internet", goddammit, "Internet"!
Telekom: ...how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: "INternet. InTERnet. InterNET ?"
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now which topic...*click* you have said: "Internet". Now, tell me, is it about a malfunction, then say "Störung".
Teshik: "Störung".
Telekom: *click* you just said "Störung". I will now connect you to a live human being...
Teshik: Thank you God.
Telekom: ...after you told me your telephone number. Per voice recognition, of course.
Teshik: ... ... kill me now.

---

After several other disconnected calls and inappropriate cursing on my part, the thing finally told me I have the option of giving the phone number by my numpad. (good, because the thing repeatedly tried to tell me I said "fünf" (five) when I actually said "zwei" (two)).
Telekom: *click* your phone number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?
Teshik: Yes.
Telekom: Great. I will now finally connect you to an actual human being.
Teshik: Finally.
*tuut-tuuut*
Female call-center Bitch: *click* ...Uch. No. Not now. *click*
*tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik (dumbfounded) ...

I was thisclose to smash my phone receiver into the nearest wall. Instead, I chose to call my project partner, bitched about half an hour, and dictated him the newest changes to the database so we got at least a few bugs out of the system before having to hand it in.

The next morning. I decided to do the Telekom mambo again, and this time, I actually got a live human being that actually acknowledged my existence. Hooray Me!

---

Little Miss Telekom: Hello, this is [Little Miss Telekom], what can I do for you?
Teshik: For the love of Christ, don't hang up now.
Little Miss Telekom: Come again?
Teshik: Nevermind. I'm having trouble connecting with the internet.
Little Miss Telekom: Your number, please?
Teshik: [Teshik's phone number]
Little Miss Telekom: Okay. *checks in her system* Yeah, according to this data, you are not online at the moment.
Teshik: (to himself) No Shit, Sherlock. (out loud) Yes. could you test if you can reach my modem from your station?
Little Miss Telekom: Err...how do I do that?
Teshik: You should have the option on your screen to do a loop test, or a connection test. This should tell us if my modem responds from the other side.
Little Miss Telekom: Oh. You mean that. *does the loop test*. Sorry, but your modem is not responding right now.
Teshik: I was afraid of that. Could you try a line reset or a port reset?
Little Miss Telekom:Errr...errr...okay. To be honest? This is my third day on this job, and I have no idea what you're talking about right now. Sorry.
Teshik: Oh. No sweat, I don't blame you. At least you talk to me, unlike your predecessor. Could you connect me to one of your colleages, then?
Little Miss Telekom: Yeah, I can try that, I just hope I *click* *tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik: Oh goddammit, not again.

---

So, after the nice, but clueless woman had kicked me out of the line, I had to phone the stupid automatic system again. Some more. But first, there was much wailing, gnashing of teeth, and Scarlett-O'Hara-renderings of "I will never be offline again, as God is my witness!"

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*.
Teshik and Telekom together: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Several minutes of agony later:
Mr Telekom Man: Hello, this is [Mr Telekom Man]. What can I do for you?
Teshik: Finally. I have trouble connecting with the internet.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you tried restarting your router?
Teshik: That was the first thing I did.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you plugged out [Terri Shiavo] and got it up again after a few minutes?
Teshik: Yes. Didn't work, and I also tried to plug [Terri Shiavo] directly into my pc, to see if the router's faulty. No luck. Could you try a line or a port reset?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes. Wait a sec. *does line, then port reset* No, no luck. I still can't reach your modem. I can send a diagnosis team to check it out. But if it's a fault on your side (read: Modem or Router defective), then it'll cost you(about 150 €, way much more than a faulty modem).
Teshik: Well, I can't tell if it's my modem yet. I will first check it out tomorrow at my cousin's. If [Terri Shiavo responds to sensoric stimuli] over there, I'll call you back and you send the diagnosis team over to me. Alright?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes, of course.
Teshik: Thanks. And thank you for being actually helpful.
Mr Telekom Man: Well, that's my job.
Teshik: Then tell your coworkers that. Some of them didn't get the memo.

---

Fast Forward to today. Since I had to present my database there (still remember that?), I had to get to Uni to use the university internet account. I arrived there on 8 a.m., which means I got up at 5.a.m., and therefore, was cranky as hell. (The fact I stopped working at 1 a.m. didn't help either). We presented it around noon(Actually, I presented it. My project partner, who was supposed to help me programming had had a family emergency last week (which was excusable), and furthermore, didn't bother to read my code to see what's it about and was clueless how it worked(not excusable). So I had to do the presentation all alone. Fuuuun. NOT. But an excruciating half hour later, at least this piece of dog poo was over, and we'd finally passed the preexam with that.
So I drove to my cousin (Fuuun again, because hottest day of the year, and no climate control in my old rust bucket), and tested Terri Shiavo on stimulus.

---

Teshik: (looking at Terri) Do you think that's a smile? I think that's a smile.
Scorpio: Dude, the thing is dead.
Teshik: Look! It blinked! It tried to connect!
Scorpio: Dee Ee Ay Dee. Dead. The blinking is an automatic response every 30 seconds. It tries, and fails, to connect to the ADSL network, for about half an hour now. Get a new one.
Teshik: A NEW one? No! I can't just remove the feeding tube! That'll be murder!
Scorpio: You're just too cheap to spend 60 bucks for a new one, are you?
Teshik: ...Yes. I am.

---

So, after contemplating the moral implications of pulling the plug on braindead modulating-demodulating systems for a while, I finally gave in and bought a new modem, drove home, installed it, et voilà, internet. Hooray!

---

Malady: (Teshik's sister, popping in) Hey. You got this in the mail.
It seems today, on 8.25 a.m., the Telekom sent their diagnosis team over to my house. Nice of them, except that I had said I'll call back if I want one. The little paper also tells me to call back...the Dreaded Service Hotline Of Hell.
Teshik: Sis?
Malady: Yeah?
Teshik: Could you please rip out my beating heart and force me to eat it, or something?
Malady: Hmm. (checks her watch) I'd love to. But my shift starts in half an hour. You're on your own.
Teshik: *begins silently crying*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line.
Teshik: I will find out who programmed you, and I will find him...
Telekom: ...I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes...
Teshik: ...and then, I rip off his arm, and beat him senseless with it.
Telekom: ...that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: ...and then, I'll drop him into a vat of acid.
Telekom: ...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now...
Teshik: And after that, I'll decompile you, code line for code line. ... "Innnntarrrrnet".
Telekom: You just said: "Internet". Now, tell me...
Teshik: "Stööööhrunkkk".
Telekom: You just said: "Störung". Now tell me your telephone number...
Teshik: Please, fuck off and die. *dials his number on the phone*
*tuut-tuuut*

So I got yet another Call Center Agent on the line and told her to stop sending teams my way, seeing as the problem's already been solved. But I fully expect them to be at my doorstep tomorrow, again, for I have summoned The Beast, and it shall find no slumber until it has drankest from my very blood. Let that be a lesson for you, kids: Never, EVER call free Service Hotlines, or you're doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!