Turns out, I'm lucky about the "antidepressant" part of the thing. I've felt a little listless now and then, but overall, at least at the moment, I could probably live completely without it, so the years of psychotherapy weren't completely useless! Hooray! Now, if it weren't for all the rest of those pesky side-effects.
As I've already mentioned, the pills have additional anti-histamine and sleep-inducing properties, so I was prepared for withdrawal on that side. What I hadn't counted on: I happen to have a hiatus hernia. So far, so unspectacular. I actually had almost forgotten about the heartburn, mainly because I found out about said heartburn when I visited a lung doctor about a seemingly never-ending bronchitis a few years back.
Short version: Stomach produces way waaay too much acid, said acid gets stored in the stomach part above the diaphragm instead of under, then gets evicted when I breathe, and flows a) into my lungs, and b) towards my mouth and nose when I sleep. Which then blossoms into minor heartburn, and what feels like a nasty cold.
Now, what happens when you stop your heavy anti-histamine medication cold turkey? Turns out, the my stomach acid producers decided to kick things into overdrive. About a week after stopping the stuff, the reflux was so severe that I almost completely lost my appetite, and my whole esophagus was feeling like it was on fire - not to mention I was completely hoarse and sounded like I had a severe bronchitis. And "trying to sleep in the evening" just completely didn't work unless I went to bed at 20:00 so I would actually fall asleep around midnight.
I could have lived with any single of those effects, but the combination was wearing me down, even though the rest of my body was feeling better than ever. And - losing so much of my appetite that I didn't even want to eat anything in the morning? That was definitely a knockout criteria for me. So, I swallowed my pride and restarted my drugs - on a 25% dose so the upcoming side-effects wouldn't hit me with a mallet.
That worked for about three days, very well. On the night to day four, my rebelling digestive system that really needs to get back in line, was evidently thinking that It NEEDS Its Precious, Precious Shipwreck Of Drugs, and decided to rev things up, and for the surely upcoming input of Sweet Merciful Mirtazapine, all other unclean substances must go. Aaaand we better skip the gory details and fast forward to the next afternoon, when I told my Mom to haul my completely dehydrated carcass to my doc and he shall fix my intestines by FORCIBLY REMOVING THEM. Okay, there may have been a teensy bit less dramatization on my part - I'm crazy, not stupid.
Thankfully, instead of harping to me he was supportive of my decision to go off medication - he knows my antidepressant-side-effect-conga I endured for the last four years, and more importantly knows that I don't do stuff simply because of the spur of the moment. I have new prescription for my stomach acid (stronger than the last time I took that stuff, but without the nasty headaches and sudden surprise diarrhea! Science does march on. Yay!). But - I look forward to both a colonoscopy AND a gastroscopy in the near future. Uuuuurgh.
BUT: I never went and upped the dosage after that - I had no need to. And, by now it's the 16th of May, I have now completed the 6 weeks adaptation phase, with reduced side-effects. Oh yes.
The side-effects gone are:
- the extreme vertigo that imprinted on my elbows and legs in the form of bruises because I simply walked into doorframes instead of through them most of the time
- the oppressive aversion to sounds of all kinds - as soon as there were two or three different sounds (such as, traffic, music and conversations), I had problems concentrating on anything, because my brain was screaming TOO LOUD GET AWAY I WANNA GO HOME. During those times, you notice that our world is just very, very noisy. Also: Train stations? Fun times. Not.
- the scatterbrain part. Getting groceries is way less fun if you have to stop at every ware, check your groceries list twice, and still wind up with weird items because they happen to stand in the same isle.
- the loss of concen....whuh? It's like the effect of about two coffee I won't have to drink. And I can calculate stuff in my head again! Sure, I'm still abysmal at it, but that's more the lazyness and out of training part than a "too ples to issssss - foive, I think maybe?".
the side-effects which are still plaguing me include:
- the brakes on my creative juices. I have to literally force myself right now, because while I'm still able to write, all the fun of it is sucked out of me. Baaah. On the plus side, that probably means the world is save from yet another collection of horrible, horrible fanfiction stories. For now.
- something which sneaked up on me during the last three weeks - the munchies are still there. Boooooo. Oh well. At least my weight isn't spiking as fast as before - gaining 5 kilos in 2 weeks, with no sign of stopping is kind of scary if you're used to be skinny as hell. I'm still not anywhere near obesity, but my skinny body is now interrupted by a very ungainly lump in the middle - I feel I look like I swallowed a large pumpkin.
