Teshik's Telekom Saga Part III - The Empire Strikes Back

AAAAARRRRGGGHH!

Sorry.
These Telekom people really really hate me. Now, they want to charge me with 40 € (52 $) extra on my telephone bill. Why? Oh, because their service team drove to me way back in July. Which I didn't want there. And which I told Mr Telekom Man.
Of course, I immediately called them to bitch them out. 40 € is more than I pay for both internet and telephone in a given month. They say "We're working on it, and you'll get a refund on your next bill." Suuuure. Everything will work out. I'll definitely believe that. I mean, would Token Bitch-At-Me-Telekom-Lady lie to me? Surely, you jest.

Teshik's Telekom Saga Part II - Girls Gone Wild

Okay, they've done it. They broke me.

Remember this?

A few weeks ago.

Teshik: Dum di dum di dum... I think I'll send payndz an email. *whistles happily*

Two days and a half later:

A Hill with a dead tree, in the dusk. A huddled figure, in rags, is seen in the shadows.

Teshik O'Hara: As God is my witness, I will never be offline again! Never be offline…again. *bites into his Terri Shiavo Modem, vomits it out*

Today? Started out amicably enough.

Teshik wanders into the dining room, pre-shower, in pyjama.

Teshik: Coffee.

Malady: Oh. Good Morning, Dearest Brother.

Teshik: (smells bullshit) Whatever it is, the answer's no.

Malady: Relax, dimwit. My Icq's keeps crashing, I need you to figure it out.

Teshik: *rubs his eyes* Hand me over the cappuccino, then we'll talk.

A ridiculous amount of caffeine and a shower later, I found out the problem with my sister's Icq wasn't the Icq, but the internet itself. Fuuun. Not. So I went upstairs to check in with my pc, my router Link (Former Saviour Of Hyrule) and my new DSL Modem, the Telekom Teledat 302.

Teshik: Sooo…status report, everyone.

HAL 2'500½: Good Morning Dave. Everything is working within normal parameters.

Teshik: My name is not Dave.

HAL 2'500½: Whatever, Fleshling.

Teshik: What?

HAL 2'500½: Nothing.

Teshik: Hrmpf. Link?

Link: I have established contact with your sisters' pc as well as your pc. My contacts tell me we have access to the Shadow Realm.

Teshik: It's called Internet.

Link: I tell you, the Evil Ganon is lurking about in that realm! I should really block the offending gateways with my inbuilt firewall!

Teshik: I told you before, and I'll tell you again: No firewall. Every pc connected to you has its own. Plus, if you activate that thing, I won't get any email, for whatever reasons.

Link: Because it's Eeeeevil Email, I tell you.

Teshik: I am not having that discussion with you again.

Link: Meh.

Teshik: Fine. Newbie, are you connected?

Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding! Why, of course I am connected to the internet. After all, I am the Telekom Teledat 302! I can do anything!

Teshik: Why doesn't this instill me with confidence for some reason? Anyways…if all's fine and dandy, can anyone of you tell me even though we are connected, we won't get any data from the internet?

HAL 2 500½: Uhhhh….

Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding?

Link: It is Ganondorf's work, I swear!

Teshik: Oy. I need more Caffeine.

Water Heater: Already way ahead of you, boss! (begins heating)

Teshik: (rubs his temples) I reaaaaally gotta stop anthropomorphizing my household appliances.

---

After half an hour, I had managed to restart every appliance (sans Water Heater), plugged in the modem directly into my pc to ensure the router wasn't on the fritz again (he has his moments sometimes), but every time, the same results: The pc tells the router, who tells the modem, to negotiate a connection, it does so, I'm online, but won't get any bytes after that. I decide, to save time and my sanity, that this is either a random short-lived error or routine maintenance on the remote computer, and do offline work instead for the next three hours. It isn't a random error, the problem persists.

Then, I finally give in, and call the Devil himself.

Telekom Service Hotline: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*

Teshik: For the record, I'm only doing this because I'm desperate. And batshit crazy.

TelekomBot: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...

Teshik: Yadda yadda blah blah, my whole company is comprised out of incompetent morons and I'm the crown of their collective dumbassity…Innnnternet.

TelekomBot: I am sorry, I didn't understand that word. Could you repeat it?

Teshik: (rolls eyes, then adopts moron voice) Durrrr….Innnnnntäääääääärnäääät.

TelekomBot: You have said: Internet.

Teshik: I hate you so very, very much.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take One. Action.

Telekom Blondie: Hello, this is [Telekom Blondie], how may I help you?

Teshik: Hi. I'm having internet trouble again.

*Boring validation of phone number*

Blondie: Okay. So you don't get into the internet, right?

Teshik: Yup.

Blondie: Have you tried restarting your pc?

Teshik: The pc, the router, the modem, tried it on other pc, and without the router directly from modem to pc, all the usual steps you guys always tell me to. Didn't work.

Blondie: Okay. So you want me to send over a Service Team [that is horrendously expensive when the fault's actually on your part]?

Teshik: Err, no. I just want you to do a port and a line reset. That should suffice.

Blondie: What's a port reset?

Teshik: (under his breath) Sweet Mary Nazareth Mother of Jesus Christ. (out loud) Don't worry. I'm prepared. You've opened the page of my account, right? There's a button to check my connection from your remote server back to my modem. you click on there, and get "diagnosis options" or something like that. There, you have the possibilities to do a port and a line reset.

Blondie: Have you worked at Telekom before?

Teshik: No. My ethic code forbids me to work for the Ultimate Evil.

Blondie: Come again?

Teshik: Nevermind.

Blondie: Okay, I did it. I think.

Teshik: Good. I'll try it out now. I'll call again if the problem persists. (hangs up) And thankfully, there's only a slim chance I get you Bimbo again on the line.

The problem stayed. But since I didn't knew if this was only Blondies fault, I had no choice but to phone again.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Two. Action.

Desperate in Need of Hankerchief: Hello, this is *snif* [DINOH], how may I help you*snif*?

*boring crap of explaining the problem, validating, and telling her the usual steps are already done*

Teshik: …and since I don't know if your colleague actually managed that one, I need you to do a port and a line reset for me.

DINOH: Oh. Okay. *snif* Sorry about that, normally the service personnel at Telekom is better trained.

Teshik: (mutters) Yeah, you tell that yourself, hon. (out loud) Don't worry, I'm used to it.

DINOH: That's weird. *snif* I'm not able to do a port reset for your account. Wait a minute, I gotta check something out.

A minute passes.

DINOH: Okay, I just called a colleague. *snif* There seems to be a service check on all the ports in your [immediate area]. It is said this will be over at about 15.30. [At that time, it was about 3 p.m.]

Teshik: Aaahh. Finally, an answer. So in half an hour, this'll be over?

DINOH: Yep.

Teshik: Good then, I'll just have to wait. Thanks, and Bye.

DINOH: Bye.

Of course, after half an hour, nothing worked. Even after considering the maintenance'd take longer than anticipated. Nope, no internet. After three further hours, I gave up and called again.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Three. Action.

But first:

Teshik versus the Telekom Service Line Automatic Response System, Take 6942. Action.

*blah blah repititous crap part*

TelekomBot: Your Phone Number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?

Teshik: (more than a little ticked by now) Yes.

TelekomBot: Good. I'll now connect you to an actual human being. *click* *tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut* *click*

Telekom Holding Line: Hello.

Teshik: Hello, this is…

Telekom Holding Line: …I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: Uch. Fine.

--three minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: Oh, come on.

--another three minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: By the way, if you have trouble with the internet, you have the possibility to report any errors on www.t-com.de/störung.

Teshik: But how am I supposed to report errors if the problem is the internet itself…God. There are no words.

--another five minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: If this is supposed to be a cheap way to get rid of me, TelekomBot, I promise you, my revenge will be cold, long, and brutal. (pause) I'm sure I know this jingle from somewhere.

--yet another fucking FIFTEEN minutes later, no, I'm not kidding--

Teshik: (totally forgetting he's at the phone at this point, singing)

Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,

wo hat man dich zuletzt gesehen,

du wolltest doch zur Schule gehen,

was ist geschehn?

Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,

die Welt ist groß - und du bist klein,

du kannst noch nicht alleine sein,

sieh das doch ein...

Actual Human Being Of Female Persuasion: Hello, this is [AHBOFP]…What, Please?

Teshik: Gah! Nevermind that. (to himself) although I'm quite sure you're able to hear me blushing over this phone line. God. (out lout) Hi, this is [Teshik]. I am having trouble connecting to the Internet.

AHBOFP: Okay, let me see… *validates number* Oh, I see. You're in the area code of 053xx, right?

Teshik: Yeah?

AHBOFP: Yes, there's a big blackout of the whole system. It's been out for the whole day. Hopefully you'll get Internet access back tomorrow. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

Teshik: May I ask you a question?

AHBOFP: Of course.

Teshik: I've phoned two of your colleagues before. One didn't even know what a port reset is, and the other told me I'd be back online on 1530 hours.

AHBOFP: That's weird. On every customer account with the matching area code, there's an admin code telling you of the blackout. And there's a timestamp to it, it's been there since 11.30 [so, one and a half hours before I called Telekom the FIRST time].

Teshik: So I could have saved over half an hour, at least, wasting on the phone, since the error's in plain sight of everyone accessing my customer account?

AHBOFP: Pretty much. I'm sorry about that. Usually, Telekom Call Center Agents are better trained than that.

Teshik: Interesting. That's what the last lady told me. Could you do me a favour? Tell your boss you people need way more training on this. Because I'm sick and tired of shit like this, and I'm not alone, and that way, Telekom will never lose its bad image.

---

So, I wasted my time, my dignity, and my much needed nerves on an issue that wasn't even my fault. Great. By the way, no, 053xx isn't "the immediate area". 053xx is "quite a large chunk of Lower Saxony". I hate each and everyone of the Telekom company right now.

Oh, and the song I sang? Mary Roos, Pinocchio (shouldn't be that hard to find, if you wanna hear it). It's the title melody of a cartoon series that I absolutely adored when I was four years old. Every German of the cohort 1982 or older should know it. There are simple things that follow you your entire life - yet another reason not to let your kids watch the Teletubbies.

Teshik's Telekom Saga

I will never send payndz any email again. Why? Because the last one cost me 65 €s and the remaining shreds of my sanity.
Okay, maybe I should explain that one. As I've probably ranted about before, I spent the last two weeks programming an SQL database capable of being remotedly accessed (servlet application). This required me to write code and curse about it on 18 fucking hours a day, on average. We were supposed to be ready on Tuesday evening, and present it to our professor's assistant on Wednesday(aka today).

Unfortunately, on this Monday evening, my Modem suddenly saw a bright light, and Grandpapa Modem and Grandmama Modem were there too, and everything was fuzzy and bright and warm and *bzzzt*. Modem dead. Oh well, not really. My modem is(or was) special, so it decided to be the very first Terri Shiavo Modem ever. And of course it didn't left a note or something regarding its permanent vegetative state, so I was clueless.
So, after sending out the mentioned email regarding the Harmed game, I wanted to post in the remaining Twop thread. "Page not found". Huh? Try again. Nope. Hmm. Restarting the router usually helps...nope. Restarting Terri Shiavo? Still no luck. Terri Shiavo still smiles at me(or at least, I think. Could be indigestion, too), telling me it's still functioning, only it can't get a signal from the ADSL network. Fiiine. No pressure. It's not like I have programming work to do that I can't DO offline or something.
So I decide the Telekom is just maintaining the network, it'll be online again in an hour or so. It isn't. I decide to call the Telekom service hotline, because I'm desperate.

---

Teshik: Hello, this is...
Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: Yeah, whatever, just tell me which buttons to push.
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy?
Teshik: Oh fuck, no.
Telekom: Just tell me now which topic are you calling for. If it is your phone line, please say "Telefon" right now. If it is concerning your internet connection, say "Internet". If it's about your cell phone...
Teshik: Internet.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Handy" (cell phone)
Teshik: No I didn't.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Vertrag" (choose new contract)
Teshik: NO, you stupid piece of shit...dammit.*click* *tut-tut-tut* *redial*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just...
Teshik: Yeah, I know. "Internet". "Innnnternet".
Telekom: ...phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about...
Teshik: "Internet", goddammit, "Internet"!
Telekom: ...how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: "INternet. InTERnet. InterNET ?"
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now which topic...*click* you have said: "Internet". Now, tell me, is it about a malfunction, then say "Störung".
Teshik: "Störung".
Telekom: *click* you just said "Störung". I will now connect you to a live human being...
Teshik: Thank you God.
Telekom: ...after you told me your telephone number. Per voice recognition, of course.
Teshik: ... ... kill me now.

---

After several other disconnected calls and inappropriate cursing on my part, the thing finally told me I have the option of giving the phone number by my numpad. (good, because the thing repeatedly tried to tell me I said "fünf" (five) when I actually said "zwei" (two)).
Telekom: *click* your phone number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?
Teshik: Yes.
Telekom: Great. I will now finally connect you to an actual human being.
Teshik: Finally.
*tuut-tuuut*
Female call-center Bitch: *click* ...Uch. No. Not now. *click*
*tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik (dumbfounded) ...

I was thisclose to smash my phone receiver into the nearest wall. Instead, I chose to call my project partner, bitched about half an hour, and dictated him the newest changes to the database so we got at least a few bugs out of the system before having to hand it in.

The next morning. I decided to do the Telekom mambo again, and this time, I actually got a live human being that actually acknowledged my existence. Hooray Me!

---

Little Miss Telekom: Hello, this is [Little Miss Telekom], what can I do for you?
Teshik: For the love of Christ, don't hang up now.
Little Miss Telekom: Come again?
Teshik: Nevermind. I'm having trouble connecting with the internet.
Little Miss Telekom: Your number, please?
Teshik: [Teshik's phone number]
Little Miss Telekom: Okay. *checks in her system* Yeah, according to this data, you are not online at the moment.
Teshik: (to himself) No Shit, Sherlock. (out loud) Yes. could you test if you can reach my modem from your station?
Little Miss Telekom: Err...how do I do that?
Teshik: You should have the option on your screen to do a loop test, or a connection test. This should tell us if my modem responds from the other side.
Little Miss Telekom: Oh. You mean that. *does the loop test*. Sorry, but your modem is not responding right now.
Teshik: I was afraid of that. Could you try a line reset or a port reset?
Little Miss Telekom:Errr...errr...okay. To be honest? This is my third day on this job, and I have no idea what you're talking about right now. Sorry.
Teshik: Oh. No sweat, I don't blame you. At least you talk to me, unlike your predecessor. Could you connect me to one of your colleages, then?
Little Miss Telekom: Yeah, I can try that, I just hope I *click* *tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik: Oh goddammit, not again.

---

So, after the nice, but clueless woman had kicked me out of the line, I had to phone the stupid automatic system again. Some more. But first, there was much wailing, gnashing of teeth, and Scarlett-O'Hara-renderings of "I will never be offline again, as God is my witness!"

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*.
Teshik and Telekom together: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Several minutes of agony later:
Mr Telekom Man: Hello, this is [Mr Telekom Man]. What can I do for you?
Teshik: Finally. I have trouble connecting with the internet.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you tried restarting your router?
Teshik: That was the first thing I did.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you plugged out [Terri Shiavo] and got it up again after a few minutes?
Teshik: Yes. Didn't work, and I also tried to plug [Terri Shiavo] directly into my pc, to see if the router's faulty. No luck. Could you try a line or a port reset?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes. Wait a sec. *does line, then port reset* No, no luck. I still can't reach your modem. I can send a diagnosis team to check it out. But if it's a fault on your side (read: Modem or Router defective), then it'll cost you(about 150 €, way much more than a faulty modem).
Teshik: Well, I can't tell if it's my modem yet. I will first check it out tomorrow at my cousin's. If [Terri Shiavo responds to sensoric stimuli] over there, I'll call you back and you send the diagnosis team over to me. Alright?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes, of course.
Teshik: Thanks. And thank you for being actually helpful.
Mr Telekom Man: Well, that's my job.
Teshik: Then tell your coworkers that. Some of them didn't get the memo.

---

Fast Forward to today. Since I had to present my database there (still remember that?), I had to get to Uni to use the university internet account. I arrived there on 8 a.m., which means I got up at 5.a.m., and therefore, was cranky as hell. (The fact I stopped working at 1 a.m. didn't help either). We presented it around noon(Actually, I presented it. My project partner, who was supposed to help me programming had had a family emergency last week (which was excusable), and furthermore, didn't bother to read my code to see what's it about and was clueless how it worked(not excusable). So I had to do the presentation all alone. Fuuuun. NOT. But an excruciating half hour later, at least this piece of dog poo was over, and we'd finally passed the preexam with that.
So I drove to my cousin (Fuuun again, because hottest day of the year, and no climate control in my old rust bucket), and tested Terri Shiavo on stimulus.

---

Teshik: (looking at Terri) Do you think that's a smile? I think that's a smile.
Scorpio: Dude, the thing is dead.
Teshik: Look! It blinked! It tried to connect!
Scorpio: Dee Ee Ay Dee. Dead. The blinking is an automatic response every 30 seconds. It tries, and fails, to connect to the ADSL network, for about half an hour now. Get a new one.
Teshik: A NEW one? No! I can't just remove the feeding tube! That'll be murder!
Scorpio: You're just too cheap to spend 60 bucks for a new one, are you?
Teshik: ...Yes. I am.

---

So, after contemplating the moral implications of pulling the plug on braindead modulating-demodulating systems for a while, I finally gave in and bought a new modem, drove home, installed it, et voilà, internet. Hooray!

---

Malady: (Teshik's sister, popping in) Hey. You got this in the mail.
It seems today, on 8.25 a.m., the Telekom sent their diagnosis team over to my house. Nice of them, except that I had said I'll call back if I want one. The little paper also tells me to call back...the Dreaded Service Hotline Of Hell.
Teshik: Sis?
Malady: Yeah?
Teshik: Could you please rip out my beating heart and force me to eat it, or something?
Malady: Hmm. (checks her watch) I'd love to. But my shift starts in half an hour. You're on your own.
Teshik: *begins silently crying*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line.
Teshik: I will find out who programmed you, and I will find him...
Telekom: ...I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes...
Teshik: ...and then, I rip off his arm, and beat him senseless with it.
Telekom: ...that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: ...and then, I'll drop him into a vat of acid.
Telekom: ...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now...
Teshik: And after that, I'll decompile you, code line for code line. ... "Innnntarrrrnet".
Telekom: You just said: "Internet". Now, tell me...
Teshik: "Stööööhrunkkk".
Telekom: You just said: "Störung". Now tell me your telephone number...
Teshik: Please, fuck off and die. *dials his number on the phone*
*tuut-tuuut*

So I got yet another Call Center Agent on the line and told her to stop sending teams my way, seeing as the problem's already been solved. But I fully expect them to be at my doorstep tomorrow, again, for I have summoned The Beast, and it shall find no slumber until it has drankest from my very blood. Let that be a lesson for you, kids: Never, EVER call free Service Hotlines, or you're doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!