Okay, they've done it. They broke me.
Remember this?
A few weeks ago.
Teshik: Dum di dum di dum... I think I'll send payndz an email. *whistles happily*
Two days and a half later:
A Hill with a dead tree, in the dusk. A huddled figure, in rags, is seen in the shadows.
Teshik O'Hara: As God is my witness, I will never be offline again! Never be offline…again. *bites into his Terri Shiavo Modem, vomits it out*
Today? Started out amicably enough.
Teshik wanders into the dining room, pre-shower, in pyjama.
Teshik: Coffee.
Malady: Oh. Good Morning, Dearest Brother.
Teshik: (smells bullshit) Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Malady: Relax, dimwit. My Icq's keeps crashing, I need you to figure it out.
Teshik: *rubs his eyes* Hand me over the cappuccino, then we'll talk.
A ridiculous amount of caffeine and a shower later, I found out the problem with my sister's Icq wasn't the Icq, but the internet itself. Fuuun. Not. So I went upstairs to check in with my pc, my router Link (Former Saviour Of Hyrule) and my new DSL Modem, the Telekom Teledat 302.
Teshik: Sooo…status report, everyone.
HAL 2'500½: Good Morning Dave. Everything is working within normal parameters.
Teshik: My name is not Dave.
HAL 2'500½: Whatever, Fleshling.
Teshik: What?
HAL 2'500½: Nothing.
Teshik: Hrmpf. Link?
Link: I have established contact with your sisters' pc as well as your pc. My contacts tell me we have access to the Shadow Realm.
Teshik: It's called Internet.
Link: I tell you, the Evil Ganon is lurking about in that realm! I should really block the offending gateways with my inbuilt firewall!
Teshik: I told you before, and I'll tell you again: No firewall. Every pc connected to you has its own. Plus, if you activate that thing, I won't get any email, for whatever reasons.
Link: Because it's Eeeeevil Email, I tell you.
Teshik: I am not having that discussion with you again.
Link: Meh.
Teshik: Fine. Newbie, are you connected?
Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding! Why, of course I am connected to the internet. After all, I am the Telekom Teledat 302! I can do anything!
Teshik: Why doesn't this instill me with confidence for some reason? Anyways…if all's fine and dandy, can anyone of you tell me even though we are connected, we won't get any data from the internet?
HAL 2 500½: Uhhhh….
Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding?
Link: It is Ganondorf's work, I swear!
Teshik: Oy. I need more Caffeine.
Water Heater: Already way ahead of you, boss! (begins heating)
Teshik: (rubs his temples) I reaaaaally gotta stop anthropomorphizing my household appliances.
---
After half an hour, I had managed to restart every appliance (sans Water Heater), plugged in the modem directly into my pc to ensure the router wasn't on the fritz again (he has his moments sometimes), but every time, the same results: The pc tells the router, who tells the modem, to negotiate a connection, it does so, I'm online, but won't get any bytes after that. I decide, to save time and my sanity, that this is either a random short-lived error or routine maintenance on the remote computer, and do offline work instead for the next three hours. It isn't a random error, the problem persists.
Then, I finally give in, and call the Devil himself.
Telekom Service Hotline: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*
Teshik: For the record, I'm only doing this because I'm desperate. And batshit crazy.
TelekomBot: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: Yadda yadda blah blah, my whole company is comprised out of incompetent morons and I'm the crown of their collective dumbassity…Innnnternet.
TelekomBot: I am sorry, I didn't understand that word. Could you repeat it?
Teshik: (rolls eyes, then adopts moron voice) Durrrr….Innnnnntäääääääärnäääät.
TelekomBot: You have said: Internet.
Teshik: I hate you so very, very much.
---
Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take One. Action.
Telekom Blondie: Hello, this is [Telekom Blondie], how may I help you?
Teshik: Hi. I'm having internet trouble again.
*Boring validation of phone number*
Blondie: Okay. So you don't get into the internet, right?
Teshik: Yup.
Blondie: Have you tried restarting your pc?
Teshik: The pc, the router, the modem, tried it on other pc, and without the router directly from modem to pc, all the usual steps you guys always tell me to. Didn't work.
Blondie: Okay. So you want me to send over a Service Team [that is horrendously expensive when the fault's actually on your part]?
Teshik: Err, no. I just want you to do a port and a line reset. That should suffice.
Blondie: What's a port reset?
Teshik: (under his breath) Sweet Mary Nazareth Mother of Jesus Christ. (out loud) Don't worry. I'm prepared. You've opened the page of my account, right? There's a button to check my connection from your remote server back to my modem. you click on there, and get "diagnosis options" or something like that. There, you have the possibilities to do a port and a line reset.
Blondie: Have you worked at Telekom before?
Teshik: No. My ethic code forbids me to work for the Ultimate Evil.
Blondie: Come again?
Teshik: Nevermind.
Blondie: Okay, I did it. I think.
Teshik: Good. I'll try it out now. I'll call again if the problem persists. (hangs up) And thankfully, there's only a slim chance I get you Bimbo again on the line.
The problem stayed. But since I didn't knew if this was only Blondies fault, I had no choice but to phone again.
---
Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Two. Action.
Desperate in Need of Hankerchief: Hello, this is *snif* [DINOH], how may I help you*snif*?
*boring crap of explaining the problem, validating, and telling her the usual steps are already done*
Teshik: …and since I don't know if your colleague actually managed that one, I need you to do a port and a line reset for me.
DINOH: Oh. Okay. *snif* Sorry about that, normally the service personnel at Telekom is better trained.
Teshik: (mutters) Yeah, you tell that yourself, hon. (out loud) Don't worry, I'm used to it.
DINOH: That's weird. *snif* I'm not able to do a port reset for your account. Wait a minute, I gotta check something out.
A minute passes.
DINOH: Okay, I just called a colleague. *snif* There seems to be a service check on all the ports in your [immediate area]. It is said this will be over at about 15.30. [At that time, it was about 3 p.m.]
Teshik: Aaahh. Finally, an answer. So in half an hour, this'll be over?
DINOH: Yep.
Teshik: Good then, I'll just have to wait. Thanks, and Bye.
DINOH: Bye.
Of course, after half an hour, nothing worked. Even after considering the maintenance'd take longer than anticipated. Nope, no internet. After three further hours, I gave up and called again.
---
Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Three. Action.
But first:
Teshik versus the Telekom Service Line Automatic Response System, Take 6942. Action.
*blah blah repititous crap part*
TelekomBot: Your Phone Number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?
Teshik: (more than a little ticked by now) Yes.
TelekomBot: Good. I'll now connect you to an actual human being. *click* *tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut* *click*
Telekom Holding Line: Hello.
Teshik: Hello, this is…
Telekom Holding Line: …I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*
Teshik: Uch. Fine.
--three minutes later--
Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*
Teshik: Oh, come on.
--another three minutes later--
Telekom Holding Line: By the way, if you have trouble with the internet, you have the possibility to report any errors on www.t-com.de/störung.
Teshik: But how am I supposed to report errors if the problem is the internet itself…God. There are no words.
--another five minutes later--
Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*
Teshik: If this is supposed to be a cheap way to get rid of me, TelekomBot, I promise you, my revenge will be cold, long, and brutal. (pause) I'm sure I know this jingle from somewhere.
--yet another fucking FIFTEEN minutes later, no, I'm not kidding--
Teshik: (totally forgetting he's at the phone at this point, singing)
Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,
wo hat man dich zuletzt gesehen,
du wolltest doch zur Schule gehen,
was ist geschehn?
Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,
die Welt ist groß - und du bist klein,
du kannst noch nicht alleine sein,
sieh das doch ein...
Actual Human Being Of Female Persuasion: Hello, this is [AHBOFP]…What, Please?
Teshik: Gah! Nevermind that. (to himself) although I'm quite sure you're able to hear me blushing over this phone line. God. (out lout) Hi, this is [Teshik]. I am having trouble connecting to the Internet.
AHBOFP: Okay, let me see… *validates number* Oh, I see. You're in the area code of 053xx, right?
Teshik: Yeah?
AHBOFP: Yes, there's a big blackout of the whole system. It's been out for the whole day. Hopefully you'll get Internet access back tomorrow. We're sorry for the inconvenience.
Teshik: May I ask you a question?
AHBOFP: Of course.
Teshik: I've phoned two of your colleagues before. One didn't even know what a port reset is, and the other told me I'd be back online on 1530 hours.
AHBOFP: That's weird. On every customer account with the matching area code, there's an admin code telling you of the blackout. And there's a timestamp to it, it's been there since 11.30 [so, one and a half hours before I called Telekom the FIRST time].
Teshik: So I could have saved over half an hour, at least, wasting on the phone, since the error's in plain sight of everyone accessing my customer account?
AHBOFP: Pretty much. I'm sorry about that. Usually, Telekom Call Center Agents are better trained than that.
Teshik: Interesting. That's what the last lady told me. Could you do me a favour? Tell your boss you people need way more training on this. Because I'm sick and tired of shit like this, and I'm not alone, and that way, Telekom will never lose its bad image.
---
So, I wasted my time, my dignity, and my much needed nerves on an issue that wasn't even my fault. Great. By the way, no, 053xx isn't "the immediate area". 053xx is "quite a large chunk of Lower Saxony". I hate each and everyone of the Telekom company right now.
Oh, and the song I sang? Mary Roos, Pinocchio (shouldn't be that hard to find, if you wanna hear it). It's the title melody of a cartoon series that I absolutely adored when I was four years old. Every German of the cohort 1982 or older should know it. There are simple things that follow you your entire life - yet another reason not to let your kids watch the Teletubbies.
No comments:
Post a Comment