Forum Basics

"Hi dunno if this is the right place but i thought i just ask do you have a forum for fanfic please tell me i want to read some that would be awsume thanks"

"Hey where can I get the game discs for <this'n'that game> I, uh, lost my originals. Yeah, that's it."

"Hi im new hear cud u plz sent me sum picz of my faverite actor i lik him so varry much OMG tis si so cul!11!!!1!!! "

"omg d00d you're site t0tally suckz u r teh stupidest pers0n on this planet lol"

Recognize some of these? Quite probably, since these are, like, one third of all forum posts in the entire internet. And since I'm fed up with these repeat offenders spamming and creating unnecessary traffic, I'll try an education effort.

Note: No, I am not ranting about my dear friends at the Charmed Sons or TwoP, I do browse other forums, too, you know? I'm just ranting about idiots on the internet in general. Lord knows there's enough of'em.

Lesson 1 - The Golden Rule

Confuzius said it, Jesus said it, Muhammad said it, it's in the Torah and the Mahabharata, and quite frankly, it's the base of common sense in social interaction. If everyone would apply it, George W. Bush, Mahmud Ahmadinejad, and Kim Jong Il could proclaim World Peace in a press conference the very next day.

Treat the others like you want to be treated yourself.

Deep shit, dude. Also, it's not that hard to apply. And if you apply it, then Eeeebony aaaand Iiiiivory live together in peeerfect haaaaarmony....don't worry, I'll stop singing now.

Lesson 2 - The Basic Idea of Interpunction

sometimes sentences end that's just the way it is there's no reason to worry though because the internet doesn't have a I only take one sentence post function if you read up until this part you probably might have noticed that it's kinda hard to follow the text because it's not always perfectly obvious where one sentence ended and where the next one begins so if you'd just start using those commas and points on your keyboard I would really appreciate that thanks


Lssn 3 - Typg cmplt wrdz wl n/kill teh net. Or ur keyb.

Rly. T wn't. U no?

Lassen 4 - Now ur lengridge.

Did you know that "they're", "their" and "there" have completely different meanings in the English language? Astounding, isn't it. Even more astounding is the fact that two thirds of the people reaching the forums from the United States are apparently completely unaware of this phenomenon. I'd make a Dubya crack here, but: Nah.
The point is, no one expects you speak flawless English. I'm a non-native-speaker myself, and I'm still having trouble with those stupid prepositions sometimes. But you could at least try. If I could understand the difference between "your" and "you're" as a ten-year-old, I am confident you can do the same. I have faith.

LESSON 5 - COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN YOUR STEREO?

TYPING LIKE THIS IS REALLY NOT APPRECIATED. WANNA KNOW WHY? IT IS THE NET EQUIVALENT OF SCREAMING. AND WE'RE NOT DEAF. AT LEAST, WE WEREN'T UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP.

Lesson 6 - Hey! Look! I can totally change the fonts 'n color 'n shit!

Hey! Look! I will totally ignore you now because not only did you make your post completely unreadable, you also exhibited the maturity of the average six-year-old! And everyone else will ignore you, as well!

Lesson 7 - Google is not out to kill your firstborn.

One of the most important lessons, ever. About 90 per cent of useless questions could be avoided if people just relied on search engines instead of annoying others. You don't like Google because it collects important data about you? Well, get used to the program, and since you're most likely from That Country With That Patriot Act, Google finding out what you wanted to buy on Ebay is really, really the least of your problems with freedom.
Or, even better, you use Altavista, Yahoo, the MS fucking N search engine or one of the bazillion others.

Lesson 8 - know thy surroundings.

Imagine it like this. Instead of the swinger's club you are aquainted with, you accidentally stumble into the nearest book club. Imagine the others surprised looks when you casually take off your pants and start rubbing your body against the nearest girl or guy. After that, things most certainly get awkward. And people tend to call the police.

See? So if you want to talk about your homoerotic fantasies, www.ihatefags.com is probably the wrong place. Likewise, no one wants to hear your faszinating theories regarding Warcraft strategy if you're posting it in a forum dedicated to the mating habits of the several species of Pelicanidae in South America.

Hint: You don't have to boast into every forum you possibly find, only the ones you're interested in.

Lesson 9 - Please do not feed the troll.

You're in a forum dedicated to, say, the incredibly interesting hobby of collecting paperclips. (Dear people of paperclips.com - Don't judge me.) Suddenly, some newbie uses his very first post to barge in on your discussion with the startling fact that paperclips collections cause your penis to shrink and everybody affiliated with that hobby is actually a child molester. In response, do you:

a) Rebutt that idiot by telling him his momma is a total whore, because she, like, slept with your neighbours poodle the other day
b) Try to reason with the confused individual, patiently explaining in excruciating detail the joys of your paperclip hobby, rallying your friends to defend the paperclipper's honour
c) Run instantly to the moderator, screaming bloody murder and insist the offender's account is to be vaporized immediately, annoying the crap out of the poor soul who moderates your board in his/her freetime for no compensation at all
d) Simply fail to rise to the bait, causing the Troll to starve, wither, and die, and we all live happily ever after.

Lesson 10 - No, I really have cancer this time. Really.

Generic Forum. The poster having the moniker "SeemsLikeANiceGirl" posts in a new thread: "I just returned from my doctor. He said I have cancer in the last stage. I have only six months to live."
Naturally, the thread soon is full of well-wishes, "oh-you-poor-girl" and the like. If you monitor it more closely however, the more senior forum members, and the admins, refrain from posting in that thread. Surely they just haven't seen it, or are too busy, you say. No one is so heartless as not to react to that.
If you follow up the next weeks, there are no further posts by SeemsLikeANiceGirl. Nothing relating how the symptoms progress, how she's coping, if she's even still alive, nothing. Absurdidly, forum life goes on, no one even seems to care. Why this? There's a poor soul suffering somewhere!
Fast forward a few months later. A forum poster called SeemsLikeANiceGirl posts: "I just had a call from my doctor. She says I have Leucemia and I have only one year to live."

What happened? Easy. That's a troll, too. They come in quite some variants: "My dog got run over by a car." - "I have the AIDS. (of course, by blood transfusion after a horrible accident)." - "My brother-in-law works on the set of VeryFamousTelevisionShow and I have been behind the scenes several times now. I know all the insider scoop." - "I live in the Center of a war zone and my life is constantly in danger." - "I am the neighbor of Angela Merkel and I know what underwear she wears. "(eww) - "I am dying of syphilis, and also, my daughter just got hit by a bus." - "I once saved three orphans from drowning, and nobody thanked me." - "I am in talks with producers of NotYetProducedTelevisionShow, and am confident we will be on FOX in the Fall season with the virtual season I am writing".

Yeah. Riiiiight. As with the more obvious variety of trolls: Starve them.


Lesson 11 - Just because Daddy pays your Internet provider, doesn't mean everything on the Internet is free.

Yeah, of course you did just lose your cd. And your codebook. And your manual. And while we're at it, your extremely legal collection of mp3's.
But either you suck it up and buy the damn game, or acquire the necessary H3xx0r sk1llz to steal it from some shady site. But don't annoy the posters who just want to chill out talking about their games.

N00b.

Lesson 12 - Häy A Grrrrl Letz cyber !!1!1!!!1

Look, I know. You're male, you're a geek, and your expertise of the female anatomy consists of that cartoon I saw the other day, where Sailor Mercury is flashing her boobs and seductively waving with a dildo, telling me I can <japanese symbol> her <japanese symbol> if I only pay 699 Yen per <japanese symbol>(Err. Hint: clicking on random links in a language you don't understand can be REALLY hazardous for your mental health sometimes. 'Nuff said.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
But comments like those in the title don't make it exactly easy for the non-nerd faction (of both genders) to consider you mature enough to warrant a continued conversation, instead of a well-deserved "Fuck off and die."

Lesson 13 - We're about as interested in your genital warts as everyone else is.

No, seriously. No, seriously. No, don't post pictures. Please. And remember that sometimes your internet friends can be as grossed out by you as your real-life friends are. Go find the appropriate forum if you want to talk about it. (And since I just found out that buttfuck dot com is a real internet address, I'm quite sure there's an appropriate forum for your more... special... needs, too.)

Lesson 14 - Now if only I could figure out how to click this link...

I find it amazing sometimes. There are people out there who, while not really figuring out how to operate their opposable thumbs, are somehow able to log into this newfangled "Interweb" and - you guessed it - annoy. Here's a particularly good example:

I have a little webspace at my uni where I have uploaded some uni scripts and cheat-cheets, just so people don't have to search as long to find them as I had to. One day, I receive an email with the following sentence in it:

"Well, I would have gotten some of your files, but there wasn't a download anywhere." -

The "download" was a link which you click, and the download starts. I assumed some of my links were broken, and asked him back which downloads he tried. None, because there are none, he replied. After some back-and-forth I realized: This guy didn't try to click my links because I didn't label them with "Download" or "Download now!", but the actual file name, and he thought if he clicked them he would simply leave the site. Please also bear in mind this guy is going the same university as I do. So, he's kind of part of the so-called intellectual elite of this country.

I can never guess if guys like him are simple stoned up the wazoo, are so plain stupid they probably receive their Darwin Awards in the very near future, or if they are just screwing with my mind and pushing my buttons.

Some day in the future, I'll figure it out. And then I'll probably weep for humanity.