Friday, August 17, 2007

History lesson - The Schießbefehl fairy tale.

Are any of you 18 years old or younger at the moment? In that case,

1) I am now entitled to call you "young whippersnappers" and crap like this, because I'm nine years older than you and thus, out of your teenager perspective, practically ancient, and

2) I feel I have to educate you about an actual news story circulating in Germany at the moment, and the load of history behind it. Because I believe in the motto "one who doesn't know history is doomed to repeat it."

As we all know, Germans practically invented historical mistakes. Failed democratic revolution? Yeah, us. Beating the shit out of France? Still us. Starting a whole freaking world war (and even worse, having the audacity of losing that one)? Us, totally. Not getting the hint and attacking the whole world again? Yeah, we're the ones. (and that enumeration is only of the last 150 years, and leaves out the worst part.) We kinda have a very slow learning curve.

History can be fun, as long as you ain't the person caught in the middle.

(Note: I know it's quite long. Think of it as a educational fable that happens to be true.)

Once upon a time in the ancient past of 1962, there was a young bloke, called Peter Fechter, and his pal, Helmut Kulbeik. Peter and Helmut were bricklayers, or rather, bricklayer apprentices. What an exciting job for two 18-year-olds, don't ya think? Peter and Helmut must've thought otherwise.
They also had some other interesting thoughts. Such as, "I'm allowed to disagree with some people". Or "I wanna have the right to vote". Or "I want to go into a store and buy the food I want, not just the canned tuna that's here this week". Silly Peter and Helmut, don't you think? All those luxuries. And freedom of speech, such jokesters.
Because Peter and Helmut, like many people, had the misfortune of being born in a really assy part of the world. That part of the world was called "Deutsche Demokratische Republik" (German democratic republic). Sounds much nicer than "Bundesrepublic Deutschland"(federal republic of Germany), don't you think? Because it has "democratic" in its name.
Peter and Helmut didn't quite think so. In fact, many people thought the GDR was crap in a tin-can, and left. This, however, drew the attention of the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht. The Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht was so democratic he continuously got voted with 99 %. Because, you see, Peter and Helmut were lying when they said they couldn't vote. They just had to vote for the party of the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht, because there wasn't any other.

And because the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht was so benevolent, he was very, very sad when all the young folk turned their backs on him and left the "sozialistisches deutsches Arbeiterparadies" (the socialistic german worker's paradise). "Why are they leaving? This is my worker's paradise! They even get cans of tuna!", the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht said.

But since he was very wise, he had an idea. The Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht build a wall so that his stupid subjects, er, I mean democratic voters, wouldn't go into the very dangerous and hostile countries of the west. The Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht didn't tell his voters of his project first, because he knew they often had strange ideas about stuff, just like Peter and Helmut. So he told them, "Niemand hat die Absicht, eine Mauer zu errichten." (no one has the intention of building a wall). But he did. On August 13th, 1961, he stopped all traffic within a city, and build a wall around half of the city, because only half of this city was his. The other half belonged to the enemy. The wall was called "antifaschistischer Schutzwall" (anti fascist protection wall), because he wanted to protect Peter and Helmut and all the others from having strange and stupid ideas ever again.

But Peter and Helmut did have a stupid idea. One year later, on August 17th, 1962, after they finished working, they wanted to climb over the wall and get into the part of the city that was dangerous and fascist and capitalistic.
Helmut got over the wall. Peter however, couldn't. It may have been one of the 30 bullets perforating him that kinda impeded his climbing ability. For the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht had told his soldiers to prevent his voters from having strange ideas at all costs.

But Peter wasn't dead yet. He lay just 1 metre off the enemy city, hunched against the wall, and called out for help. Now, the soldiers on both sides had a problem. The fascist American soldiers who patrolled the Border for their fascist German friends couldn't help Peter because he still was in the East part. Going there with soldiers? No, that means war, not with the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht, of course, but with the Even Wiser And More Benevolent Emperor Nikita Sergejewitsch Chruschtschow. So the American soldiers stood there and did nothing.

The Soldiers of the Workers Paradise couldn't do anything either, because a) the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht had forbidden them to go into the zone he had humourously named "Todesstreifen"(death stripe), so that his soldiers didn't get bad ideas themselves. And b) several soldiers of the Workers Paradise had been shot dead by the fascist Germans, so everyone was reluctant to go into the death stripe himself.

And so, Peter Fechter lay against the wall and bled. Not silently, but complaining loudly. At least, at first. The people of the Worker's Paradise weren't allowed near the wall, of course, but thousands of people of the Fascist Federal Republic were watching him. They wanted to help, but the Americans would shoot them if they crossed the border. Or the soldiers of the Wise And Benevolent King Ulbricht. Probably both.
So, Peter gave up his pleas for help after a while. The massive internal bleeding over the last hour may have contributed to his acceptance of fate. After he had lost consciousness, the soldiers of the Workers Paradise were brave enough to step into the death stripe, and pull Peter back into the GDR where he belonged. Nevertheless, Peter died in the hospital later. He wasn't the first, and certainly not the last person to have a stupid idea up until 1989.


---

Now y'all are probably wondering, "nice horror story, but what the fucking fuck this has to do with current events, Teshik?"


Well, the news story itself is waaaay less spectacular. It seems someone has found a dusty old document that proves GDR soldiers were ordered to shoot upon people should they try to escape via the German-German border. There is an uproar on this. Seemingly, people are starting to forget that the people ruling the GDR were lying sacks of shit, and start to believe them when they say "there has never been an order to shoot people".

People tend to forget. And, more important, people tend to forget the bad stuff first.
When people wax nostalgic about the GDR, you'll probably hear about that there wasn't any unemployment, and lower rates of crime, and all those nice marches of the socialist party, and nude culture, and better childcare, and women's rights, and their first car, a trabi.
But the GDR wasn't all sunshine and lollypops. Sometimes, politicians are lying liars who lie, but the facts stay what they are. The GDR spied on their own people, imprisoned them, and ordered their soldiers to shoot people trying to escape from all this. Men, women, and children died at the Mauer. Just because that happened twenty or more years ago, doesn't mean you can forget the bad stuff.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Forum Basics

"Hi dunno if this is the right place but i thought i just ask do you have a forum for fanfic please tell me i want to read some that would be awsume thanks"

"Hey where can I get the game discs for <this'n'that game> I, uh, lost my originals. Yeah, that's it."

"Hi im new hear cud u plz sent me sum picz of my faverite actor i lik him so varry much OMG tis si so cul!11!!!1!!! "

"omg d00d you're site t0tally suckz u r teh stupidest pers0n on this planet lol"

Recognize some of these? Quite probably, since these are, like, one third of all forum posts in the entire internet. And since I'm fed up with these repeat offenders spamming and creating unnecessary traffic, I'll try an education effort.

Note: No, I am not ranting about my dear friends at the Charmed Sons or TwoP, I do browse other forums, too, you know? I'm just ranting about idiots on the internet in general. Lord knows there's enough of'em.

Lesson 1 - The Golden Rule

Confuzius said it, Jesus said it, Muhammad said it, it's in the Torah and the Mahabharata, and quite frankly, it's the base of common sense in social interaction. If everyone would apply it, George W. Bush, Mahmud Ahmadinejad, and Kim Jong Il could proclaim World Peace in a press conference the very next day.

Treat the others like you want to be treated yourself.

Deep shit, dude. Also, it's not that hard to apply. And if you apply it, then Eeeebony aaaand Iiiiivory live together in peeerfect haaaaarmony....don't worry, I'll stop singing now.

Lesson 2 - The Basic Idea of Interpunction

sometimes sentences end that's just the way it is there's no reason to worry though because the internet doesn't have a I only take one sentence post function if you read up until this part you probably might have noticed that it's kinda hard to follow the text because it's not always perfectly obvious where one sentence ended and where the next one begins so if you'd just start using those commas and points on your keyboard I would really appreciate that thanks


Lssn 3 - Typg cmplt wrdz wl n/kill teh net. Or ur keyb.

Rly. T wn't. U no?

Lassen 4 - Now ur lengridge.

Did you know that "they're", "their" and "there" have completely different meanings in the English language? Astounding, isn't it. Even more astounding is the fact that two thirds of the people reaching the forums from the United States are apparently completely unaware of this phenomenon. I'd make a Dubya crack here, but: Nah.
The point is, no one expects you speak flawless English. I'm a non-native-speaker myself, and I'm still having trouble with those stupid prepositions sometimes. But you could at least try. If I could understand the difference between "your" and "you're" as a ten-year-old, I am confident you can do the same. I have faith.

LESSON 5 - COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN YOUR STEREO?

TYPING LIKE THIS IS REALLY NOT APPRECIATED. WANNA KNOW WHY? IT IS THE NET EQUIVALENT OF SCREAMING. AND WE'RE NOT DEAF. AT LEAST, WE WEREN'T UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP.

Lesson 6 - Hey! Look! I can totally change the fonts 'n color 'n shit!

Hey! Look! I will totally ignore you now because not only did you make your post completely unreadable, you also exhibited the maturity of the average six-year-old! And everyone else will ignore you, as well!

Lesson 7 - Google is not out to kill your firstborn.

One of the most important lessons, ever. About 90 per cent of useless questions could be avoided if people just relied on search engines instead of annoying others. You don't like Google because it collects important data about you? Well, get used to the program, and since you're most likely from That Country With That Patriot Act, Google finding out what you wanted to buy on Ebay is really, really the least of your problems with freedom.
Or, even better, you use Altavista, Yahoo, the MS fucking N search engine or one of the bazillion others.

Lesson 8 - know thy surroundings.

Imagine it like this. Instead of the swinger's club you are aquainted with, you accidentally stumble into the nearest book club. Imagine the others surprised looks when you casually take off your pants and start rubbing your body against the nearest girl or guy. After that, things most certainly get awkward. And people tend to call the police.

See? So if you want to talk about your homoerotic fantasies, www.ihatefags.com is probably the wrong place. Likewise, no one wants to hear your faszinating theories regarding Warcraft strategy if you're posting it in a forum dedicated to the mating habits of the several species of Pelicanidae in South America.

Hint: You don't have to boast into every forum you possibly find, only the ones you're interested in.

Lesson 9 - Please do not feed the troll.

You're in a forum dedicated to, say, the incredibly interesting hobby of collecting paperclips. (Dear people of paperclips.com - Don't judge me.) Suddenly, some newbie uses his very first post to barge in on your discussion with the startling fact that paperclips collections cause your penis to shrink and everybody affiliated with that hobby is actually a child molester. In response, do you:

a) Rebutt that idiot by telling him his momma is a total whore, because she, like, slept with your neighbours poodle the other day
b) Try to reason with the confused individual, patiently explaining in excruciating detail the joys of your paperclip hobby, rallying your friends to defend the paperclipper's honour
c) Run instantly to the moderator, screaming bloody murder and insist the offender's account is to be vaporized immediately, annoying the crap out of the poor soul who moderates your board in his/her freetime for no compensation at all
d) Simply fail to rise to the bait, causing the Troll to starve, wither, and die, and we all live happily ever after.

Lesson 10 - No, I really have cancer this time. Really.

Generic Forum. The poster having the moniker "SeemsLikeANiceGirl" posts in a new thread: "I just returned from my doctor. He said I have cancer in the last stage. I have only six months to live."
Naturally, the thread soon is full of well-wishes, "oh-you-poor-girl" and the like. If you monitor it more closely however, the more senior forum members, and the admins, refrain from posting in that thread. Surely they just haven't seen it, or are too busy, you say. No one is so heartless as not to react to that.
If you follow up the next weeks, there are no further posts by SeemsLikeANiceGirl. Nothing relating how the symptoms progress, how she's coping, if she's even still alive, nothing. Absurdidly, forum life goes on, no one even seems to care. Why this? There's a poor soul suffering somewhere!
Fast forward a few months later. A forum poster called SeemsLikeANiceGirl posts: "I just had a call from my doctor. She says I have Leucemia and I have only one year to live."

What happened? Easy. That's a troll, too. They come in quite some variants: "My dog got run over by a car." - "I have the AIDS. (of course, by blood transfusion after a horrible accident)." - "My brother-in-law works on the set of VeryFamousTelevisionShow and I have been behind the scenes several times now. I know all the insider scoop." - "I live in the Center of a war zone and my life is constantly in danger." - "I am the neighbor of Angela Merkel and I know what underwear she wears. "(eww) - "I am dying of syphilis, and also, my daughter just got hit by a bus." - "I once saved three orphans from drowning, and nobody thanked me." - "I am in talks with producers of NotYetProducedTelevisionShow, and am confident we will be on FOX in the Fall season with the virtual season I am writing".

Yeah. Riiiiight. As with the more obvious variety of trolls: Starve them.


Lesson 11 - Just because Daddy pays your Internet provider, doesn't mean everything on the Internet is free.

Yeah, of course you did just lose your cd. And your codebook. And your manual. And while we're at it, your extremely legal collection of mp3's.
But either you suck it up and buy the damn game, or acquire the necessary H3xx0r sk1llz to steal it from some shady site. But don't annoy the posters who just want to chill out talking about their games.

N00b.

Lesson 12 - Häy A Grrrrl Letz cyber !!1!1!!!1

Look, I know. You're male, you're a geek, and your expertise of the female anatomy consists of that cartoon I saw the other day, where Sailor Mercury is flashing her boobs and seductively waving with a dildo, telling me I can <japanese symbol> her <japanese symbol> if I only pay 699 Yen per <japanese symbol>(Err. Hint: clicking on random links in a language you don't understand can be REALLY hazardous for your mental health sometimes. 'Nuff said.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
But comments like those in the title don't make it exactly easy for the non-nerd faction (of both genders) to consider you mature enough to warrant a continued conversation, instead of a well-deserved "Fuck off and die."

Lesson 13 - We're about as interested in your genital warts as everyone else is.

No, seriously. No, seriously. No, don't post pictures. Please. And remember that sometimes your internet friends can be as grossed out by you as your real-life friends are. Go find the appropriate forum if you want to talk about it. (And since I just found out that buttfuck dot com is a real internet address, I'm quite sure there's an appropriate forum for your more... special... needs, too.)

Lesson 14 - Now if only I could figure out how to click this link...

I find it amazing sometimes. There are people out there who, while not really figuring out how to operate their opposable thumbs, are somehow able to log into this newfangled "Interweb" and - you guessed it - annoy. Here's a particularly good example:

I have a little webspace at my uni where I have uploaded some uni scripts and cheat-cheets, just so people don't have to search as long to find them as I had to. One day, I receive an email with the following sentence in it:

"Well, I would have gotten some of your files, but there wasn't a download anywhere." -

The "download" was a link which you click, and the download starts. I assumed some of my links were broken, and asked him back which downloads he tried. None, because there are none, he replied. After some back-and-forth I realized: This guy didn't try to click my links because I didn't label them with "Download" or "Download now!", but the actual file name, and he thought if he clicked them he would simply leave the site. Please also bear in mind this guy is going the same university as I do. So, he's kind of part of the so-called intellectual elite of this country.

I can never guess if guys like him are simple stoned up the wazoo, are so plain stupid they probably receive their Darwin Awards in the very near future, or if they are just screwing with my mind and pushing my buttons.

Some day in the future, I'll figure it out. And then I'll probably weep for humanity.