If you haven't seen it by now, watch out for spoilers below, because DUH! But considering the series came out in 2005 or even earlier, you probably know more about those characters and stories as I do. Think of it as a TwoP-recap, or probably, a not-so-good facsimile thereof (Dear Sars: Please don't sue me. Also: something or other about imitation and flattery and shit.)
So: we start out with a Whoosh of a little alien shuttle over a giant ice landscape, which reaches a giant star-shaped city. According to the caption, the city is called "Several million years ago". Good to know they don't want viewers who haven't watched SG-1 knowing where the
hell the context is.Down in Several-Million-Years-Ago City central, a man and a woman stare at each other INTENSELY. I wonder if this would be explained if I'd've watched SG-1 Season 9 and 10, which I haven't yet. Partly because: if I watch an ep of SG:A, I watch an episode. If I start watching the remaining eps of SG-1, I wake up weeks later, because I watched the entire series.
Anyway, after the man breaks the STARE and leaves, the woman (who I kind of think is going to be the Ancient lady SG-1 dug out of the Antarctic snow and revived with oh-so-convenient aphasia a while back) stares at him as if he will never come back. Seems like that, since he takes the entire friggin' city up in the air and leaves (cool shot, by the way). Will they see each other again? I mean, they are two important characters, right? And more importantly, where exactly do you find a large enough parking space for a city?
Guess not. We're now in Antarctica, present day, and there's a science station reaching far underground. The international and ethnically represented science crew (read: there is at least one black person in establishing group shots, and probably some asians), Dr. Weir, our intrepid heroine starship captain, pardon, leader of the Atlantis mission, passes around an Indian (maybe?) guy investigating a dog-sized booger...sperm...tentacle thing that will be important in a few seconds, and heads towards two guys bickering over a chair like some old married couple. One of them has one of those Scotty-accents, which to my non-native ear sounds as if someone takes the vowels in normal english speech, and twists them at a 45 degree angle. That's our medical guy, Beckett, and he's miffed about having to sit in the chair all the time. Since that thing isn't cushioned, and we're talking about a mostly metal chair in an Antarctic underground base where it's probably freezing, I empathize. Frozen tongues against a pole are one thing. Your frozen nuts on a chair? Quite another.
As his canadian husband explains, this is because he has some genetic anomaly that allows him to access Ancient technology, so if they want to study it, he has to sit in it, as Canadian Guy (Rodney McKay) was born with run of the mill homo sapien genes. Poor man. There's some teasing around that genetic fact, but thankfully Dr. Jackson (current status: not dead, but it's still early) interrupts them to tell them where Atlantis is. You see, they've searched Stargate combinations in this galaxy so far, but it seems the Ancients really wanted to get out of the neighbourhood, which means : different galaxy.
McKay is ordering his man-wife to the chair again, who's all "I'm a doctor, not a chair-sitter" in this accent of his. The good news? He gets the chair glowy. The bad news? That booger-tentacle thing goes glowy too, but this wrecks some expensive equipment before zooming to the surface.
Meanwhile, O'Neill and a pilot called John Shepherd are flying across the antarctic with a helicopter with strained small-talk. I'm rechristening Mr. Shepherd "Mr. DeeDee" here, by the way, because of reasons soon becoming obvious. Both are getting a real topic to talk about when they get word that Booger Thing is heading right for them, and they should land ASAP. Too late though, and evasive flying along the Canadian, err, I mean Antarctic mountains occurs.
"Ah tœld yer Ah was the wrang perrsann" Becket whines. Weir orders him to concentrate on shutting off the weapon, like, good they have her because they won't think of that on their own. I already pity the galaxy they end up in.
More dramatic flying. Finally they lose the thing for a few seconds enough to land and shut down the engines, but the thing goes after them, they jump out - and the booger titters out exactly one feet before O'Neill. (In Beckett's words: "Ah thænk Ah dæddeitt!?"). DeeDee is all "what the hell just happened?", but O'Neill is all like "Yeah, giant alien boogers trying to kill me. Must be Tuesday."
Token Black Semi-Regular Without Character Or Backstory reports the guys safety. Hi Token! Bye Token! Jack and Daniel meet up soon after, while letting DeeDee roam freely in the ÜberSuperSecretSpaceBase, like: Security concerns, anyone? You'd think a goverment organization who deals with mind-controlling aliens would have thought about some procedures in order to limit exposure, or if they're cleared, as Jack does with a handwave, to limit the culture shock and the "Ooh, can I touch the dangerous radioactive substance"-problems. And you'd think wrong. Maybe it's just their kind of social Darwinism approach. "If yer too stupid, you die - or yer Daniel Jackson, then you'll be back after awhile anyway." The SG-1 mains leave, and DeeDee stands in the middle of gawking background scientists. You see, they have the impression that DeeDee is not so bright. I share that impression.
Why, you ask? Because while Daniel briefs Jack on the whole "I'm sorry Mario, but your Lost City is in another galaxy" part, DeeDee wanders with such a purpose towards the Chair Controlling The Giant Death Boogers that I'm surprised I can't actually hear the Dexter theme song. Of course they need him to show he's genetically speshul, but this is just dumb.
DeeDee growls at Beckett, who whines like the man-wife he is, but he's the one guy who's smart enough to ask him for security clearance, so, points to Beckett. After Ancient Whooooo? and Stargate Whaaaa? for a bit, DeeDee sits down, and of course, he doesn't even have to think about stuff to light everything up. Whatever you do, don't think of picking your nose, DeeDee!
After that bit, Weir (the main character gal. Remember her?) wants DeeDee on the mission. Shepherd however has declined, and so it's up to Jack to pep-talk the guy, who's understandably a bit confused, what with the subterranean alien light show chairs that shoot glowing death sperm and stuff. But Jack misinterpretes "pep-talk" with "threatening to fire the guy who just saved his life if he won't go", and if I were DeeDee, that'd have been the signal to cut my losses and run. I mean, he doesn't know he's a main character, he could as well be the guy who gets eaten by zombie vampire aliens in the first episode, right? Better safe than sorry.
Ah, it's time to flesh out the characters. Weir is on the telly, telling her boytoy that actually, she's doing spacetravel and stuff, and they won't see each other for a while, because the reception from Pegasus Galaxy to Earth is less-than-stellar. (ba-dum-tch!) Her exposition monologue is intercut with our main characters (and Token Black's) good-bye waving to their respective loved ones. Boytoy wants to phone her, but she's unreachable.
Cheyenne Mountain! Establishing shot again with internationality. I mean, there's a spanish guy talking to a british guy! In Spanish! For a whole sentence! There's also a guy unable to understand some other guys, and really, when you go on a military mission, could you at least agree on one language first? Jesus, these guys are so doomed.
DeeDee obviously wasn't smart enough to stay at home, and wanders through the Bennetton commercial, I mean mission team (they also have two Russians! And a German guy! Who I bet won't ever be seen again!). Weir gives a passionate pep-talk (an actual one), saying everyone here is the smartest, and the bravest, for volunteering for this. Except for DeeDee, who was bullied into it. They only have one shot because of the immense power a GalaxyJump takes, so they send in the robot, check if there's oxygen and stuff, and everyone follows, no power to get back (they hope to find power over there, so it won't be a definite Journey Without Return, but the possibility is there).
She gives the team one last chance to pussy out, like, when in the history of TV has anyone ever done that, and they begin dialing. If you never watched Stargate, imagine one of those old analog phone with a dial wheel. only larger, and with a hole in the middle. Before they start, DeeDee shows his incredible intellect yet again by antagonizing his superior officer, like, way to go, genius, and whoosh, it opens. It's dark over there, since the Stargate on the other side is in a room. Boy, I hope they ordered the thing around a bit in some deleted scenes. Could you imagine, all those people going over there and find out the room has no exit? That would be so awkward.
Weir and Military Guy go through, Token and Deedee follow, after the former tries the latter that Stargate rides are like hell. If that's supposed to endear him to me, it's not working.
The room on the other side is huge and quite satisfyingly SciFi, which is good because they're going to spend a lot of time on that set. Along the way, they discover a) Spaceships and b) the whole city is under water. What did I tell you about not getting out? Awkward. At least the parking space riddle is solved, but the coastal neighbors complaining about the tsunamis every time you land the city would be so very annoying.
It gets better: The reason the Ancients are not here? Well, they went here, colonized a few thousand worlds, but an enemy came and conquered them all. So the Ancients drowned their own city, returning to Earth, spreading the Atlantis myth in the process, because Pegasus galaxy was obviously a Very Bad Idea. Nice to find that out NOW. This tells us a nice Woman in a Hologram, using Power like nobodys business. McKay orders that stopped, because he found out, the city is not only under water, its batteries are also almost dead and parts of the city are already flooded, more to come in a matter of days or hours, depending on the energy usage. Can they go back to Earth? Nope, wouldn't be a series if they could. But Wormholes in this galaxy are possible. So they do just that.
It's night on the first planet. They pan out and find suspicious creatures lurking in the dark -
children! Shoot'em! Okay, they don't. Their dad, who has let them loose in the middle of the night, appears too, asking if DeeDee and Guys are traders. Yeah, let's go with that. The natives bring them to their village, where obviously another major character awaits, Token Alien Team Member. This one's female, and is even called Taela. Were they even trying? That's like Teal'C with boobs. She's named Teal'ca for the rest of this episode then. Teal'ca isn't much for trading, because unlike AlienDad, she knows big dangerous weapons when she sees them, and since those three are still holding them like they wanna swiss-cheese everyone, I won't blame her. In fact, in underlines she's one of the few smart people so far. DeeDee makes sure I won't forget he's stupid by blabbing about ferris wheels, so I ignore him for the moment.The next morning, they notice a Big Honking Space City right on the other side of the lake, even though the natives live in tents. As if that wouldn't clue anyone in that this city is actually A Very Bad Idea, they want to investigate. Teal'ca warns them that the Wraith will come. The Who? Teal'ca is confused, since every single world in the galaxy knows and fears them. (Good, that means this series will probably have less "Burn The Witch" episodes if everyone knows the Gate system). And if you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will wake the Wraith. Or something.
So, the team naturally explores the deadly ruins. Except for Token, who has to bring a status report back to Weir. Cheer up, Token, at least that means the black guy isn't the first guy to die horribly.
Weir and McKay establish if they won't evacuate, they will drown quite soon. Scene.
Teal'ca shows DeeDee a nice cave they hid in during the last Wraith season, and revealing they're not as backwards as they seem, lighting a torch with a laser-y device. There is a moment of Unresolved Sexual Tension, but quickly estinguished by exposition: Seems the Wraith are more or less the Morlocks to Teal'ca's Eloi, waiting for a time until the planets in the galaxy repopulate, then cull the herd. Nice. And true enough, three needle-ships turn up to complete the Time Machine picture, only they have teleporters beaming people up instead of drawing their victims underground. Ooh, and turns out, they can also create illusions to cause fear. Have I mentioned how doomed these people are?
They actually manage to take out one of the ships (I hope there weren't too many civilians already beamed aboard, because ouch), but Dad, Military Guy, and Teal'ca are soon whisked away.
Weir and McKay are just giving the evacuation order as DeeDee returns with Token - and the surviving villagers. This even though he knows the city is going to flood in the near future. You know, I think he may not be all that bright. But before anyone can slap sense into the guy, the shield collapses, rocks fall, and everyone dies. Kidding. The Atlantis AI seems to decide in order to save those people from drowning, it has to go back up - and so it does, spectacularly.
But even though they have balconies now to marvel at the ocean - they still have to rescue two of their regulars (at least Teal'ca is - Military guy's probably the Redshirt of the episode). Weir doesn't like the idea of barging in and sending everyone to their doom, and DeeDee predictably doesn't want to leave the one woman behind who shows cleavage on this show - oh, and Military guy too, I guess.
Meanwhile, in Morlock Central Hub, things are looking bad. The Wraith, as I've said before, are not only eeeevil aliens, but eeeevil zombie vampire aliens. Take that, Goa'ulds. They take a Random Redshirt Villager and zoom out. Both Teal'ca and MiliGuy try to assert they're the leader, but only the latter is taken serious. Teal'ca pouts - because now, she has more time to get eaten? Alien cultures are weird sometimes.
Oooh, cool part. After establishing the gate of the place the Wraith come from is floating in space, they get the little shuttles working, which can also cloak, and go after them. Zoom! Space-y!
Turns out the Zombie Alien guy isn't the leader, but a green-skinned and red-haired alien woman is. If you're thinking "Orion slave girl" right now, you're kinda right. But also very, very wrong. She establishes what we already know (they eat people), and furthermore, she can also force people to do stuff, like MiliGuy spurting out there's an Earth, and it's filled with not thousands, but Billions of nice and tasty little Homo Sapien frolicking around, waiting to get the karmic revenge on the whole eating-animals thing. Not only they are doomed, but we are now as well. That's just peachy.
DeeDee manages to find the prisoners, and by way of screaming MiliGuy, finds the Morlock Dining Room as well. Unfortunately, MiliGuy has just time to die before Deedee starts to shoot the Bad Gal. Bad Gal recovers, though, by eating MiliGuy some more, and he dies. Man, I'm so glad I didn't bother learning the characters name.
DeeDee, after being captured for a tiny bit, gets rescued by Token and skewers Bad Gal with a...thing. I dunno. It kinda glows. Bad Gal is dying, but she gets the last laugh: She's only a caretaker, and when she dies, the Wraith awaken. ALL WRAITH. So, we have established, Atlantis crew is doomed, the whole Pegasus galaxy is doomed, Earth is doomed, and by the way, the Wraith population has just risen by 100.000 per cent. Well, at least the stakes aren't too low.
By the way: I was kidding about the Zombie Vampire Aliens. Do they have to take me so seriously?
Innyway, they make it out of the ship, and towards the shuttle, although I have to say, if DeeDee is the only frickin' person who can fly the damn thing, you'd think he'd take cover and get his ass into the ship as soon as possible. Or at least, his colleagues would shove him inside for reasons of self-preservation. And yet, he stands out in the open and fires his machine gun. This is getting ridiculous. Does "Ancient Genetic Marker" actually stands as a euphemism for "mental retardation"? Maybe the Ancients just died out because they randomly wandered over the edges of cliffs.
Anyway, the Wraith have taken quite a few of their needle ships and positioned them outside the stargate. Meaning, cloak or not, as soon as the gate activates, all they have to do is shooting blindly and thus hitting DeeDee and crew. Plus, you should remind yourselves that one side of the gate is floating in space, and is probably targeted at a very high velocity, what with all the bullet the Wraith are shooting and whatnot. The other side of the gate is kind of a very small room in which to hit the brakes. (The ships enter the gate room through the ceiling, which actually looks very cool). What is a DeeDee to do? He shoots flying Alien Boogers, of course. He doesn't have munition for all of them, but he manages not only to hit the gate at that speed, but also braking without damaging the room or his passengers (but you can fanwank that the Ancients knew about basic safety protocols and installed a dampening field or somesuch).
One major, MAJOR gripe though: They only found the Wraith because Token looked at the chevron combination. What is taking them from just finding the coordinates and going after them, wave after wave after wave? And why taking the risk of this in the first place? Fly back to where you came from (Teal'ca's planet), and open another wormhole as soon as you're through that one, so nobody follows you!! God, this is dumb.
But oh well, we end this with Weir congratulating DeeDee, Teal'ca ensuring her regular character position by almost snuggling with him (almost. We probably have to live through several seasons before Teal'ca gets some, if other TV shows are any indication), and McKay and Beckett bickering like a good husband and husband. I hope they have more scenes like this together, solo McKay tends to grate on my nerves.
By the way, Weir isn't exactly the leader type here. She gets yanked around by McKay and DeeDee, and has to ask O'Neill for help when people actually say no. I guess we can rule out another Janeway here, but Lady needs to put down her foot, or they'll just walk all over her. But this could just be a buildup to a future coming-of-age-episode of sorts.
So, if we take the four-person-theme from Stargate, we have Weir as the non-authoritative peacenick, a Daniel substitute. Let's see how often she dies. Then, DeeDee is the obvious O'Neill guy. We don't have to bother with Teal'ca, and McKay is kind of the unsympathetic monster equivalent of Carter, just like in the evil parallel universes.
Whaddaya mean, I forgot about AlienDad, and Beckett? AlienDad is some sort of Bratac, or Selmac, and Beckett's a phonetically challenged version of Dr. Fraiser. And Token, meh, why do you think I call him Token Black Character? All in all, the cast has promise provided the writings not that full of holes like parts of the pilot, but it's no SG-1. Yet.
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...goddammit. Now I'm gonna have to watch Stargate SG-1 for the next few weeks.
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