I can see your house from Space!

I'm random again. And this is why I now dare you to add your position, because I'm interested where all the Charmed Sons posters are from. (Or the ones who actually happened to came across this blog per chance. Yes, I mean all one-and-a-half of you. Heh.). Well, let's see if this actually works:

Edit: Aaaaand just in the moment I decide to delete the thing because it doesn't seem to work, I get my very first comment of this blog. Curses, my evil plans foiled again. Heh. Hiya, Random Indian Jokester Guy!

All Hail Global Warming!

You know what? Global Warming and I have come to an understanding. Why? Well, This is, so far, the nicest winter ever(well, in Europe, at least).
Although it tends to be unnerving at times. Yesterday, I was taking out the trash, while in a t-shirt, and stayed out a few minutes to enjoy the breeze. Then I noticed it's already sunset (it was 3:15 pm, after all, and the forest directly in front of my home village shortens the days to 5.5 depressing hours on Winter Solstice).

Then, I went "Hmm. Something is wrong with this picture. Ah yes. To correct this picture, we either
a) move up the sun at least 25 degrees away from the horizon, or
b) my dead body should be frozen directly in front of our open trash can with a stinkface and a bag of frozen garbage in my hands. Because no way in frackin' hell do I go out in December while exposing more that 2 % of my skin to the elements.

It was that wonderful "The Day The Earth Spun Off Its Axis" vibe that made it complete.

Oh, and don't come with "But it's supposed to be snowing" and "what about Christmas". Bah, I say. Snow is heavily overrated. Ask everyone who's knee-deep into it for longer than a week. Sure it's pretty.
But everyone who has to drive each morning knows there are these kinda days when it's snowed 10 centimeters in the last hour again, and you can't drive more than 20 km per fucking hour, but that doesn't even bother you, because there's an asshole directly in front of you who apparently forgot that there's this winter thing that happens, like EVERY GODDAMN YEAR, and still drives with summer tires, at about 10 km per hour. Okay, scratch "drives", he more or less glides on the damn snow/ice road, as in, two steps forward, one step sidewards, much to the consternation of the people driving in the opposite direction. And even though you started digging your car out about half an hour ago, you could just look in the rear mirror and see your HOUSE.

And since we had these kinda days up until friggin mid-March of 2006, I don't really feel the need for snow in the immediate future. All of you who are in a serious need of a snow fix: I read Antarctica won't be completely ice-free in Summer until about 2080. Go there. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to emission carbon dioxide right now. Heh.

Edited to add: This little interactive map I found shows you what happens if the sea level rises due to global warming. Netherlanders and Floridians, you're going to get wet feet.

Healthy lifestyle? Pull the other one.

Sailorwind asked:
So how was everyone's Thanksgiving?

Busy. And we don't even have this holiday. Let's see. There was :

Friday, block seminar. Lesson from 9:30 am to 6 pm, after which your brain cells are pretty much fried. And keep in mind I additionally need 2 hours to and fro each, so extra annoyance guaranteed.

Saturday. Spending the morning trying to decipher the cryptic notes I left on my memo pad yesterday, while apparently already in half-coma. Getting a call from F, the dad of my godchild. His wife, S, pregnant with twins needs to go to the hospital. Impromptu babysitter needed. I say yes, although I already agreed to do the same on Sunday and Monday, because I'm an idiot. F and S return around six, thankfully false alarm. After godchild is tucked away, we decide to raid the secret saltine stack, call a few friends and make a little dvd-in. After seeing "Cars" (average) and "Big Mama 2" (surprisingly good), I fall asleep within the first ten minutes of "Spiderman". Again.

Sunday. My Mom and I spend the most of morning and noon under our roof (more precisely, the stowaway parts at the sides) to stuff an old closet and bed (disassembled) there. First we have to clean up a whole bunch of mouseshit and close the hole they apparently crawled in. Fun. Not. In the afternoon, I pack my pc and drive over to F (we play pc games on each Sunday. It's part of a tradition by now). Unfortunately, around five S is having labour again, some more. So while they endure the fun of incompetent doctors, I have to keep Jay (my godchild) upright and entertained two hours past his bedtime. (Tugging him in myself? Nah. We discussed this. Either Mommy or Daddy tucks him in, or no one.)

Monday. F has a mandatory seminar today, so I babysit again from 7.30 am to 5.30 pm(at least, this time S is at home. Not that she can actually do anything while chained to the bed, but she's a better conversationalist than her son). Note the recurring theme of me babysitting and me spending more time at my friend's than at home. At least today, we don't have to drive to the hospital again. After that, dropping by at friend Y, who's in the city for a day. Uni workload? Pshaw. Tomorrow, maybe.

Tuesday, the day with most lessons. Getting a call from D, who somehow managed to rip apart something in his knee and thus can't return his math homework. So we ditch the 8-10 lesson and drive over to him. On the way back to uni, I notice my neck stiffens, my head aches, and my forehead begins to glow. This is my body's subtle way of saying: "Unusual Exercise, sleep-deprivation and Junk Food/missed meals instead of vitamins for several days? Screw you, Asshole!". I know he's not kidding, so I ditch the rest of lessons too and drive home. Much to the delight of a schoolclass on tour and two old ladies in the train, who probably think I infected them with Ebola or something. The rest of the day consists of dumping aspirin and the very arduous task of breathing.

Wednesday. Body and me sign an armistice, I stuff myself with a vitamin cocktail which usually would suffice for a whole week - and a whole family - and venture out into uni territory again. This day's wacky train hijinks feature two loud elementary-school-classes, and my non-functional mp3-stick. And in uni, I realize I came for exactly nothing, since the stupid server crashed and our input is void. Great.

So, in retrospect, I did so much my body went on strike, but actually having accomplished something? Nah. Yeah, depressing. I know.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll now shamelessly abuse my moderator privilege by randomly terrorizing poor innocent forumists. Mua ha ha ha ha.

Driving is dangerous

There is a street in Wolfsburg that really, really hates my Mom's car.

As you might know, my mother doesn't have a drivers licence at the moment, because she hit another parking car, had a major brainout and drove away, but got caught. Because of that, she may not drive on her own until November, and since my dad and sis have to work in shifts, so the lucky one who gets to drive back and forth twice a day is Moi.

So today, after I fetched her from work, she had to go on several errands. And since her back's been acting up again(to the point it takes 30 seconds to bend over and fit into the car), I wound up doing those errands. office supplies, bank, stamps, usual stuff. Then, after I reentered the car for the x'd time:

Mom: Now, pull over there on the right side, I need a bread.
Teshik: Mom? That store is literally across the street. Why did you tell me to start the car?
Mom: So I don't have to walk so much.
Teshik: Mom, that's exactly two car lengths. Plus, I am the one walking, so...

It is in situations like this when she puts up a very distinct look. You know, the look that is somehow able to convey :
"Junior, I've been in labour with you for twenty-five fuckin' hours back then, and I am able to tell you en detail how you wrecked my entire anatomy with your mere birth if requested. And if that's not enough to shut you up, I still have the backup of you living in my house at the moment, so do what I say, pointless as it may be, NOW, or else."

Teshik(rolls eyes): Fiiine.

So I start the car, drive across the street, and hop inside the shop to get the bread. I hop back into the car, shift into reverse, set b...

Kra-WHAM!

SHITFUCK!

Quick inventory. Neck is fine, body is fine, Mom sits next to me yelling, so she's fine, too. It is now that I notice I did NOT bother to look in the rear mirror, and now I notice that 30 seconds ago, another car went into the spot behind me. Fuck. Fuck-Shitfuck-Fuck. Fuck.
We both got out. A woman actually asks us if we're alright (When my sister got hit by a unmanned rolling car years ago, the first thing SHE got as response was "I'ma going to call the police on you!"). We three take a look at the damage. Our car is fine, the other car has scratches, but somehow they don't fit, as our car doesn't have a trailer coupling. But still: If he/she wants to, my insurance has to pay for the damage I could have inflicted, since I can't prove otherwise, and my insurance would "thank me properly" for that.


Mom: You know, come to think of it, this is exactly the spot where I hit that car three months ago.
Teshik (gets another distinct look, the one that says:"You killed a WHAT?"): And you wait till NOW to tell me?
Mom: And it was even with this car.
Teshik: Okay, that settles it. From now on, we won't buy bread in this bakery anymore. This parking space is cursed.
Mom: But they have the best bread in the city...
Teshik: Cuuursed! ... By the way, I am relieved you were in the car.
Mom: Huh? Why?
Teshik: You're the only person I know who cannot give me the "God, why the Hell didn't you look in the freakin' rear mirror" tirade without blushing.

Two minutes later, the owner steps out of the shop (he actually was the guy behind me in line), inspects the damage, and because he is awesome, he tells me not to worry about it. I'm safe. And because I am grateful, I am hereby thanking the stranger with the pale blue eyes and the yellow car for not screwing me over. Thank You.

You know what the irony is? I took my mom's car today, not my own. Why? Because my own is standing in the (narrow) garage, I told myself "Fuck it. With this car, I don't have any trouble with driving in reverse. That sure told me today.

So yeah, this story actually has a happy-end this time. Sorry to disappoint ;-)

Revenge of The Construction Workers

HAAAATE!

So, I've been without internet access for yet another three fucking days. It's not that I need it or something. Rrrrr.
The amazing and mindbogging part of it is, this time, the Deutsche Telekom is innocent. Seems like the construction workers who are redoing the street that's connecting us to the rest of the world and who are completely shutting down the street (forcing us to drive literally through the woods to get to work/grocery store/whatever and back, an extra of five fucking kilometers each time), have just veered off a leeeetle too much to the side, disconnecting the phone lines that were just innocently lying beyond the ground. *Rrriip* no telephone and dsl for about 800 people. Classy.
And the really sad part is, we were lucky they didn't hit the water pipes again. Originally, the major overhaul of our road wasn't due until 2012. Until some other construction workers broke the major water pipe in our neighboring village a few months ago. Which cost us water for a day(and ruined the street). And THIS was just two days after a three-hour blackout. I shit you not.

No, I'm not done ranting yet. Today, I had to drive to Uni. Usually, I'd just take the bus, which is free for me, but I couldn't, because my student ID had expired. Well, why didn't you pick up your new ID at your uni the week before the old one expired, Teshik, you say? Oh, why, I tried, dear beloved reader, two times. Only to discover on the first day they weren't ready yet, and that the employee handing them out was sick the other day. Did I mention they only give them out on weekdays between 11 and 12 in the first place? AUUGGGHH.
So, I drove there by car. No sweat, you'd think, since the Uni is only 40 kilometers from my home, which translates to roughly an hour of driving.
And you'd think wrong. Apparently, the Great Conspiracy Of The Construction Workers decided today to be the perfect day to shut off a part of the highway, what with me innocently driving around in my car and all. Of course, I saw through their evil plan of keeping me of my ID yet again, and took the no-highway-route. And OF COURSE I played right into their trap, because they'd set up yet ANOTHER construction site right there, shutting down one lane. You know what this meant?

Instant Traffic Death.

Two excruciating hours of driving. And THEN, the little guy in my radio told me that today, they will defuse an old World War II bomb again. And the evacuation zone was put between me and the Uni.

At this point, I was thisclose to just pull over unto the sidewalk and have a good, long cry. Oh wait, I'm almost out of hankerchiefs, better not. Instead, I called my mom.

Teshik's Mom: Hello?
Teshik: Hi Mom. Mom?
Teshik's Mom: Yeah?
Teshik: This entire planet hates me.
Teshik's Mom: Errr...Do you wanna talk about it?
Teshik: Not right now. Listen, I will be late in picking you up from office.
Teshik's Mom: Oh. How much later?
Teshik: Err. You got a sleeping bag with you?


So, after taking another detour, I was allowed to park a few blocks away from Uni(the police was rerouting traffic) and arrived at the office...at 12.15. Thankfully, the girl at the office was still there, and gave me my ID. Thank You, Random Uni Employee. You kinda saved my day.

Then, I took the detour for the bomb again, the highway detour again, stood in the jam for another fucking hour(the highway had a jam of 16 kilometers and my alternate route about ten, the radio said later), finally got my mom (who worked two hours overtime that day), took the detour to get to a frickin' grocery store, and finally, the detour to gain access to our home village.

Is it any wonder I don't like to leave the house any more?

Only Time

So, it's that time of the year again, where we all dig out the Enya CD and tell stories about when "it" happened. And since I didn't divulge my Story before...
The following is a transcript of an network chat between me and an ex-colleague of mine (before I went to university, I've been a trainee for Volkswagen for two years.), started around 14.40 MEST(8.40 EDT), September 11, 2001.

Satyria: I'm boooooooored. Do something.
Teshik: Hm. I'm working at the moment. Does that count?
S: Fine. Do something that entertains me. Precise enough?
T: Okay. *juggles two elephants, the unugunu, his former boss and two chainsaws, while only using his left elbow*
S: This would be far better if I could see you doing this. Not that I won't believe you...
T: Me? I Liar? Blasphemy ;)
T: All you have to do is come over here...
S: Yeah, only 2 kilometers down the Mittelstrasse. (The Volkswagen factory is reaaaaally big, and we were working in different departments in different parts of it at that time.) Thanks, but no thanks. I only have a t-shirt on, and it's freezing today.
T: Only a t-shirt, huh? I bet your colleagues are pleased. But what does your boyfriend think about your work attire?
S: Asshole.
T: >>:-))
S: You know it's hot over here. And I didn't think it's be that cold today.
T: Yet another reason to come over here. My colleagues are diehard fresh-air fanatics, keeping the window open even when its snowing, I think. thank god I leave here in october.
S: Teaser. At least you have windows. I am surrounded by *boxes*.
T: But at least you have a radio. My only distraction the line monkeys screaming at me why their pay is too low. (I was sitting in a Personal Service Center. But we had nothing at all to do with their paychecks)
S: Maybe you should give them Carestin's (trainee in Finances) email address.
T: So that she drives *another* beetle against the wall from the stress? Better not ;-)
S: *lol*
S: Woah. They just said in the news a plane crashed in New York. Which one is the World Trade Center?
T: Uhhh...I think it's the old one, with the needle at the top. (means the Empire State building)
S: You mean that thing where the Kingpin lives in the new Spiderman cartoon? (means the Chrysler Tower)
T: Maybe. I dunno. Did the building collapse?
S: They didn't say.
S: Hey, wanna meet in the city today? I wanna buy a cell phone today.
T: So you finally don't have to carry around that foldable Telephone booth anymore?
S: Yeah. Wanna go? I'll be on the parking lot in about twenty minutes.
T: You leave early *again*?
T: Sorry, can't go. Only if you wait until I get out of the Hospital.
S: ???
S: I thought your grandma died two weeks ago? (Sorry for reminding you)
T: Yeah. But now, it's my dad. Guess what it could be.
S: Oh god. You still have relatives left?
S: ...Cancer?
T: Yeah, could be stomach cancer. He's there since Friday. Today, they've made some stomach camera thing, and can tell us what's what.
S: Shit. I hope it's not.
T: Me too. Or Cancer really IS contagious. (in 2000 and '01, I had lost 7 family members. 5 of them because of cancer.)
S: I really wish him the best.
S: I'm leaving in five minutes (it's 15.10 now). How long do you want to stay?
T: *Want*? Until about 7.35 am. Have to ? I think up till four. Still gotta finish those bloody attendance statistics today.
S: Wow. They just said a second plane flew into the *same building*
T: What?
S: Yeah, on the other side.
T: No way. You're setting me up again. (According to Satyria, Pope John Paul II. died last August. Twice. So now, I am believing she just shitted me with these planes)
S: No, really.
T: No way in Hell. I can see one plane crashing there, but *two*? Either they're reporting the same plane, or you're trying to get me again.
S: Then don't believe me. Ass.
T: Whatever. I believe you as soon as I see it on the news. Not a minute earlier.
S: I'm leaving now. Ciao.
S: And there are TWO planes.
T: I said, whatever. Who cares if New York burns...

Yup. I really wrote that. Boy, was I sorry about that later.
In any case, I finished my work around 15.55, and drove the familiar route Workplace-Hospital (My grandma had been in and out of the Hospital about every other week, so that was part of my afternoon routine back then) to visit my dad. I was kinda surprised not to see him in the cafeteria, since he's a near-chain-smoker and coffee-fanatic. The cafeteria was QUITE empty that day, but this didn't occur to me until later. I found my dad and my mom in his room, watching TV.
The first thing I catched was footage of the South Tower, collapsing. Finally it hit me how it was possible for two planes to hit the same building. It happened on purpose.

Lord, sometimes, each and every person on this sick planet deserves to rot in hell.
"Who cares if New York burns..."
Oopsie.
Reserve a cozy place for me, Mr Satan.

We simply stared at the footage of the collapsing tower (had happened about 15 minutes ago, my parents saw it live on TV) and the second plane crash (the footage of the first crash wasn't available yet), and the scene of those five-and-a-half palestinien women who were celebrating and which was sold to us as "cheering all over the arabian world" (Those people probably didn't even know what happened there). My cousin arrived, as clueless as I've been, and we all caught live the collapse of Tower Number Two.

A little later, my dad's roommate insisted to switch Channels because he didn't wan't to miss Charmed (Yep, you read that correctly. Charmed. I shit you not). And since the doctors postponed my dads diagnoses until tomorrow, we said goodbye and headed home. And my mom and I started the first of the soon traditional Terror Watch (every major terror attack since, Mom and I were home somehow, glued to the television screen.) Debating about how many of those 50'000 people were actually dead. Hearing about that other crashed plane, and the attack on the Pentagon. Those five-and-a-half palestinians celebrating footage, over and over again. Being almost certain the Americans will now start the 3rd World War, since the last time they had a war site on their own land, they ultimately answered with nuclear bombs.
Suddenly, around 7 pm, my mom remembered something. "Oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!" - "What what WHAT?" - "Where's that telephone number?!" - "What are you talking about?" - "Hans and Ingrid (Hans is my godfather, Ingrid, his wife, is Moms best friend since grade school) ! The post card!
Hans and Ingrid were on a holiday trip. The post card had arrived two days ago, from Canada. They were touring first through Canada, then the Northern States, and they wanted to finish the trip in the USA...Sightseeing in New York.
I felt so sick. As if the death of 50'000 people, my grandma's death, the sword of Damocles over my dad's head and the impending Nuclear Winter wasn't bad enough, I also had unwittingly seen my aunt's and uncle's death, live on Television?
So, we got out their telephone number. No reply. Cell Phone? Dude, it's 2001. Cell phones are for businessmen and trendy rich young people only. Then, we dug out their parents number. After my mother calmed down enough, she called them, and was very relieved to hear the two arrived this morning, and were probably sleeping the whole day. (We later found out they really had stood on the top of the World Trade Center, on September 7, 2001. Unfortunately, no memento of the Ages, since their camera broke that day.)
After digesting that shock and the relief over them being safe, we continued watching until midnight. After all, both of us had to get up on 6 am next morning.

I lay a while in bed, wide awake, philosophizing. That I should better keep my pie-hole shut when thinking about burning mega-metropolices. If I would ever get out of the stupid black clothes,(It's not very common anymore, but if someone out of your family dies, you don't only wear black at the funeral, but later on as well, up to a year if you were especially close. We still follow that tradition.) since it seems I've worn nothing else the past months. If the Americans really are pissed enough to start wars. If George W. Bush is stupid enough to push the Big Red Button.
And if the Apocalypse comes, why it didn't come two fucking years earlier, so I wouldn't had to have witnessed my uncles, my aunts, and my grandmothers slow, agonizing deaths?
--- Screw sleeping. I need a drink.

The next day, I came to work hungover and with probably enough residue alcohol in my system to start selling my blood as wine. Then again, no one didn't seem to care about trifle matters like that on September 12th, 2001.

---

Flash forward five years later. It turns out my Dad didn't have cancer, only a very bad stress-induced gastritis. I don't work at Volkswagen anymore, I went to university, so did Satyria. The Americans did get pissed, and they did start wars, but thankfully, nothing nuclear (yet). George W. Bush didn't push the Big Red Button, but created secret prisons and Patriot Acts instead, and many innocent citizens of the US and other states found themselves next to terrorist suspects, without rights, for six weeks in US prisons, or up to several years in Guantanamo Bay (still without knowing the reason they're imprisoned).

I don't drink anymore, but thinking back on days like this one, and especially my mood I had that day, I am sure longing for one right now. Happy September 11th, kids.

Teshik's Telekom Saga Part III - The Empire Strikes Back

AAAAARRRRGGGHH!

Sorry.
These Telekom people really really hate me. Now, they want to charge me with 40 € (52 $) extra on my telephone bill. Why? Oh, because their service team drove to me way back in July. Which I didn't want there. And which I told Mr Telekom Man.
Of course, I immediately called them to bitch them out. 40 € is more than I pay for both internet and telephone in a given month. They say "We're working on it, and you'll get a refund on your next bill." Suuuure. Everything will work out. I'll definitely believe that. I mean, would Token Bitch-At-Me-Telekom-Lady lie to me? Surely, you jest.

Teshik's Telekom Saga Part II - Girls Gone Wild

Okay, they've done it. They broke me.

Remember this?

A few weeks ago.

Teshik: Dum di dum di dum... I think I'll send payndz an email. *whistles happily*

Two days and a half later:

A Hill with a dead tree, in the dusk. A huddled figure, in rags, is seen in the shadows.

Teshik O'Hara: As God is my witness, I will never be offline again! Never be offline…again. *bites into his Terri Shiavo Modem, vomits it out*

Today? Started out amicably enough.

Teshik wanders into the dining room, pre-shower, in pyjama.

Teshik: Coffee.

Malady: Oh. Good Morning, Dearest Brother.

Teshik: (smells bullshit) Whatever it is, the answer's no.

Malady: Relax, dimwit. My Icq's keeps crashing, I need you to figure it out.

Teshik: *rubs his eyes* Hand me over the cappuccino, then we'll talk.

A ridiculous amount of caffeine and a shower later, I found out the problem with my sister's Icq wasn't the Icq, but the internet itself. Fuuun. Not. So I went upstairs to check in with my pc, my router Link (Former Saviour Of Hyrule) and my new DSL Modem, the Telekom Teledat 302.

Teshik: Sooo…status report, everyone.

HAL 2'500½: Good Morning Dave. Everything is working within normal parameters.

Teshik: My name is not Dave.

HAL 2'500½: Whatever, Fleshling.

Teshik: What?

HAL 2'500½: Nothing.

Teshik: Hrmpf. Link?

Link: I have established contact with your sisters' pc as well as your pc. My contacts tell me we have access to the Shadow Realm.

Teshik: It's called Internet.

Link: I tell you, the Evil Ganon is lurking about in that realm! I should really block the offending gateways with my inbuilt firewall!

Teshik: I told you before, and I'll tell you again: No firewall. Every pc connected to you has its own. Plus, if you activate that thing, I won't get any email, for whatever reasons.

Link: Because it's Eeeeevil Email, I tell you.

Teshik: I am not having that discussion with you again.

Link: Meh.

Teshik: Fine. Newbie, are you connected?

Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding! Why, of course I am connected to the internet. After all, I am the Telekom Teledat 302! I can do anything!

Teshik: Why doesn't this instill me with confidence for some reason? Anyways…if all's fine and dandy, can anyone of you tell me even though we are connected, we won't get any data from the internet?

HAL 2 500½: Uhhhh….

Teledat: bee-dee-dee-bah-ding?

Link: It is Ganondorf's work, I swear!

Teshik: Oy. I need more Caffeine.

Water Heater: Already way ahead of you, boss! (begins heating)

Teshik: (rubs his temples) I reaaaaally gotta stop anthropomorphizing my household appliances.

---

After half an hour, I had managed to restart every appliance (sans Water Heater), plugged in the modem directly into my pc to ensure the router wasn't on the fritz again (he has his moments sometimes), but every time, the same results: The pc tells the router, who tells the modem, to negotiate a connection, it does so, I'm online, but won't get any bytes after that. I decide, to save time and my sanity, that this is either a random short-lived error or routine maintenance on the remote computer, and do offline work instead for the next three hours. It isn't a random error, the problem persists.

Then, I finally give in, and call the Devil himself.

Telekom Service Hotline: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*

Teshik: For the record, I'm only doing this because I'm desperate. And batshit crazy.

TelekomBot: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...

Teshik: Yadda yadda blah blah, my whole company is comprised out of incompetent morons and I'm the crown of their collective dumbassity…Innnnternet.

TelekomBot: I am sorry, I didn't understand that word. Could you repeat it?

Teshik: (rolls eyes, then adopts moron voice) Durrrr….Innnnnntäääääääärnäääät.

TelekomBot: You have said: Internet.

Teshik: I hate you so very, very much.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take One. Action.

Telekom Blondie: Hello, this is [Telekom Blondie], how may I help you?

Teshik: Hi. I'm having internet trouble again.

*Boring validation of phone number*

Blondie: Okay. So you don't get into the internet, right?

Teshik: Yup.

Blondie: Have you tried restarting your pc?

Teshik: The pc, the router, the modem, tried it on other pc, and without the router directly from modem to pc, all the usual steps you guys always tell me to. Didn't work.

Blondie: Okay. So you want me to send over a Service Team [that is horrendously expensive when the fault's actually on your part]?

Teshik: Err, no. I just want you to do a port and a line reset. That should suffice.

Blondie: What's a port reset?

Teshik: (under his breath) Sweet Mary Nazareth Mother of Jesus Christ. (out loud) Don't worry. I'm prepared. You've opened the page of my account, right? There's a button to check my connection from your remote server back to my modem. you click on there, and get "diagnosis options" or something like that. There, you have the possibilities to do a port and a line reset.

Blondie: Have you worked at Telekom before?

Teshik: No. My ethic code forbids me to work for the Ultimate Evil.

Blondie: Come again?

Teshik: Nevermind.

Blondie: Okay, I did it. I think.

Teshik: Good. I'll try it out now. I'll call again if the problem persists. (hangs up) And thankfully, there's only a slim chance I get you Bimbo again on the line.

The problem stayed. But since I didn't knew if this was only Blondies fault, I had no choice but to phone again.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Two. Action.

Desperate in Need of Hankerchief: Hello, this is *snif* [DINOH], how may I help you*snif*?

*boring crap of explaining the problem, validating, and telling her the usual steps are already done*

Teshik: …and since I don't know if your colleague actually managed that one, I need you to do a port and a line reset for me.

DINOH: Oh. Okay. *snif* Sorry about that, normally the service personnel at Telekom is better trained.

Teshik: (mutters) Yeah, you tell that yourself, hon. (out loud) Don't worry, I'm used to it.

DINOH: That's weird. *snif* I'm not able to do a port reset for your account. Wait a minute, I gotta check something out.

A minute passes.

DINOH: Okay, I just called a colleague. *snif* There seems to be a service check on all the ports in your [immediate area]. It is said this will be over at about 15.30. [At that time, it was about 3 p.m.]

Teshik: Aaahh. Finally, an answer. So in half an hour, this'll be over?

DINOH: Yep.

Teshik: Good then, I'll just have to wait. Thanks, and Bye.

DINOH: Bye.

Of course, after half an hour, nothing worked. Even after considering the maintenance'd take longer than anticipated. Nope, no internet. After three further hours, I gave up and called again.

---

Female Telekom Call Center Agent versus Teshik, Take Three. Action.

But first:

Teshik versus the Telekom Service Line Automatic Response System, Take 6942. Action.

*blah blah repititous crap part*

TelekomBot: Your Phone Number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?

Teshik: (more than a little ticked by now) Yes.

TelekomBot: Good. I'll now connect you to an actual human being. *click* *tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut-tuuuut* *click*

Telekom Holding Line: Hello.

Teshik: Hello, this is…

Telekom Holding Line: …I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: Uch. Fine.

--three minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: Oh, come on.

--another three minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: By the way, if you have trouble with the internet, you have the possibility to report any errors on www.t-com.de/störung.

Teshik: But how am I supposed to report errors if the problem is the internet itself…God. There are no words.

--another five minutes later--

Telekom Holding Line: I'm sorry, but all service agents are busy right now. Please hold the line. *booh-daaa-dee-dooh*

Teshik: If this is supposed to be a cheap way to get rid of me, TelekomBot, I promise you, my revenge will be cold, long, and brutal. (pause) I'm sure I know this jingle from somewhere.

--yet another fucking FIFTEEN minutes later, no, I'm not kidding--

Teshik: (totally forgetting he's at the phone at this point, singing)

Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,

wo hat man dich zuletzt gesehen,

du wolltest doch zur Schule gehen,

was ist geschehn?

Kleines Püppchen, Freches Bübchen,

die Welt ist groß - und du bist klein,

du kannst noch nicht alleine sein,

sieh das doch ein...

Actual Human Being Of Female Persuasion: Hello, this is [AHBOFP]…What, Please?

Teshik: Gah! Nevermind that. (to himself) although I'm quite sure you're able to hear me blushing over this phone line. God. (out lout) Hi, this is [Teshik]. I am having trouble connecting to the Internet.

AHBOFP: Okay, let me see… *validates number* Oh, I see. You're in the area code of 053xx, right?

Teshik: Yeah?

AHBOFP: Yes, there's a big blackout of the whole system. It's been out for the whole day. Hopefully you'll get Internet access back tomorrow. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

Teshik: May I ask you a question?

AHBOFP: Of course.

Teshik: I've phoned two of your colleagues before. One didn't even know what a port reset is, and the other told me I'd be back online on 1530 hours.

AHBOFP: That's weird. On every customer account with the matching area code, there's an admin code telling you of the blackout. And there's a timestamp to it, it's been there since 11.30 [so, one and a half hours before I called Telekom the FIRST time].

Teshik: So I could have saved over half an hour, at least, wasting on the phone, since the error's in plain sight of everyone accessing my customer account?

AHBOFP: Pretty much. I'm sorry about that. Usually, Telekom Call Center Agents are better trained than that.

Teshik: Interesting. That's what the last lady told me. Could you do me a favour? Tell your boss you people need way more training on this. Because I'm sick and tired of shit like this, and I'm not alone, and that way, Telekom will never lose its bad image.

---

So, I wasted my time, my dignity, and my much needed nerves on an issue that wasn't even my fault. Great. By the way, no, 053xx isn't "the immediate area". 053xx is "quite a large chunk of Lower Saxony". I hate each and everyone of the Telekom company right now.

Oh, and the song I sang? Mary Roos, Pinocchio (shouldn't be that hard to find, if you wanna hear it). It's the title melody of a cartoon series that I absolutely adored when I was four years old. Every German of the cohort 1982 or older should know it. There are simple things that follow you your entire life - yet another reason not to let your kids watch the Teletubbies.

Global Warming sucks

What? You expect me to actually type something here? Dude, get real. It has been 40.5 fucking degrees today, Celsius, in a country where a Summer Of the Decade is defined as "10 to 15 days with temperatures over 30 degrees". Not "at least 25 such days up to July 21st". A country where air conditioning is "that fancy thingy they have in some malls and maybe new cars, but certainly not at home or the workplace". And where "rain" is the weather default. It's been thirteen days without precipitation, and 19 since some honest to god rain that lasted longer than two friggin' minutes. I'm having withdrawal symptoms here, people!
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But the fact remains that it's 10 p.m. and it's still 27 fucking degrees. Blearch.

Teshik's Telekom Saga

I will never send payndz any email again. Why? Because the last one cost me 65 €s and the remaining shreds of my sanity.
Okay, maybe I should explain that one. As I've probably ranted about before, I spent the last two weeks programming an SQL database capable of being remotedly accessed (servlet application). This required me to write code and curse about it on 18 fucking hours a day, on average. We were supposed to be ready on Tuesday evening, and present it to our professor's assistant on Wednesday(aka today).

Unfortunately, on this Monday evening, my Modem suddenly saw a bright light, and Grandpapa Modem and Grandmama Modem were there too, and everything was fuzzy and bright and warm and *bzzzt*. Modem dead. Oh well, not really. My modem is(or was) special, so it decided to be the very first Terri Shiavo Modem ever. And of course it didn't left a note or something regarding its permanent vegetative state, so I was clueless.
So, after sending out the mentioned email regarding the Harmed game, I wanted to post in the remaining Twop thread. "Page not found". Huh? Try again. Nope. Hmm. Restarting the router usually helps...nope. Restarting Terri Shiavo? Still no luck. Terri Shiavo still smiles at me(or at least, I think. Could be indigestion, too), telling me it's still functioning, only it can't get a signal from the ADSL network. Fiiine. No pressure. It's not like I have programming work to do that I can't DO offline or something.
So I decide the Telekom is just maintaining the network, it'll be online again in an hour or so. It isn't. I decide to call the Telekom service hotline, because I'm desperate.

---

Teshik: Hello, this is...
Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: Yeah, whatever, just tell me which buttons to push.
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy?
Teshik: Oh fuck, no.
Telekom: Just tell me now which topic are you calling for. If it is your phone line, please say "Telefon" right now. If it is concerning your internet connection, say "Internet". If it's about your cell phone...
Teshik: Internet.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Handy" (cell phone)
Teshik: No I didn't.
Telekom: *click* You just said: "Vertrag" (choose new contract)
Teshik: NO, you stupid piece of shit...dammit.*click* *tut-tut-tut* *redial*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just...
Teshik: Yeah, I know. "Internet". "Innnnternet".
Telekom: ...phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about...
Teshik: "Internet", goddammit, "Internet"!
Telekom: ...how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: "INternet. InTERnet. InterNET ?"
Telekom:...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now which topic...*click* you have said: "Internet". Now, tell me, is it about a malfunction, then say "Störung".
Teshik: "Störung".
Telekom: *click* you just said "Störung". I will now connect you to a live human being...
Teshik: Thank you God.
Telekom: ...after you told me your telephone number. Per voice recognition, of course.
Teshik: ... ... kill me now.

---

After several other disconnected calls and inappropriate cursing on my part, the thing finally told me I have the option of giving the phone number by my numpad. (good, because the thing repeatedly tried to tell me I said "fünf" (five) when I actually said "zwei" (two)).
Telekom: *click* your phone number is [Teshik's phone number]. Is that correct?
Teshik: Yes.
Telekom: Great. I will now finally connect you to an actual human being.
Teshik: Finally.
*tuut-tuuut*
Female call-center Bitch: *click* ...Uch. No. Not now. *click*
*tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik (dumbfounded) ...

I was thisclose to smash my phone receiver into the nearest wall. Instead, I chose to call my project partner, bitched about half an hour, and dictated him the newest changes to the database so we got at least a few bugs out of the system before having to hand it in.

The next morning. I decided to do the Telekom mambo again, and this time, I actually got a live human being that actually acknowledged my existence. Hooray Me!

---

Little Miss Telekom: Hello, this is [Little Miss Telekom], what can I do for you?
Teshik: For the love of Christ, don't hang up now.
Little Miss Telekom: Come again?
Teshik: Nevermind. I'm having trouble connecting with the internet.
Little Miss Telekom: Your number, please?
Teshik: [Teshik's phone number]
Little Miss Telekom: Okay. *checks in her system* Yeah, according to this data, you are not online at the moment.
Teshik: (to himself) No Shit, Sherlock. (out loud) Yes. could you test if you can reach my modem from your station?
Little Miss Telekom: Err...how do I do that?
Teshik: You should have the option on your screen to do a loop test, or a connection test. This should tell us if my modem responds from the other side.
Little Miss Telekom: Oh. You mean that. *does the loop test*. Sorry, but your modem is not responding right now.
Teshik: I was afraid of that. Could you try a line reset or a port reset?
Little Miss Telekom:Errr...errr...okay. To be honest? This is my third day on this job, and I have no idea what you're talking about right now. Sorry.
Teshik: Oh. No sweat, I don't blame you. At least you talk to me, unlike your predecessor. Could you connect me to one of your colleages, then?
Little Miss Telekom: Yeah, I can try that, I just hope I *click* *tut-tut-tut-tut...*
Teshik: Oh goddammit, not again.

---

So, after the nice, but clueless woman had kicked me out of the line, I had to phone the stupid automatic system again. Some more. But first, there was much wailing, gnashing of teeth, and Scarlett-O'Hara-renderings of "I will never be offline again, as God is my witness!"

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*.
Teshik and Telekom together: Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line. I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes that will direct you to a competent person...
Several minutes of agony later:
Mr Telekom Man: Hello, this is [Mr Telekom Man]. What can I do for you?
Teshik: Finally. I have trouble connecting with the internet.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you tried restarting your router?
Teshik: That was the first thing I did.
Mr Telekom Man: Have you plugged out [Terri Shiavo] and got it up again after a few minutes?
Teshik: Yes. Didn't work, and I also tried to plug [Terri Shiavo] directly into my pc, to see if the router's faulty. No luck. Could you try a line or a port reset?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes. Wait a sec. *does line, then port reset* No, no luck. I still can't reach your modem. I can send a diagnosis team to check it out. But if it's a fault on your side (read: Modem or Router defective), then it'll cost you(about 150 €, way much more than a faulty modem).
Teshik: Well, I can't tell if it's my modem yet. I will first check it out tomorrow at my cousin's. If [Terri Shiavo responds to sensoric stimuli] over there, I'll call you back and you send the diagnosis team over to me. Alright?
Mr Telekom Man: Yes, of course.
Teshik: Thanks. And thank you for being actually helpful.
Mr Telekom Man: Well, that's my job.
Teshik: Then tell your coworkers that. Some of them didn't get the memo.

---

Fast Forward to today. Since I had to present my database there (still remember that?), I had to get to Uni to use the university internet account. I arrived there on 8 a.m., which means I got up at 5.a.m., and therefore, was cranky as hell. (The fact I stopped working at 1 a.m. didn't help either). We presented it around noon(Actually, I presented it. My project partner, who was supposed to help me programming had had a family emergency last week (which was excusable), and furthermore, didn't bother to read my code to see what's it about and was clueless how it worked(not excusable). So I had to do the presentation all alone. Fuuuun. NOT. But an excruciating half hour later, at least this piece of dog poo was over, and we'd finally passed the preexam with that.
So I drove to my cousin (Fuuun again, because hottest day of the year, and no climate control in my old rust bucket), and tested Terri Shiavo on stimulus.

---

Teshik: (looking at Terri) Do you think that's a smile? I think that's a smile.
Scorpio: Dude, the thing is dead.
Teshik: Look! It blinked! It tried to connect!
Scorpio: Dee Ee Ay Dee. Dead. The blinking is an automatic response every 30 seconds. It tries, and fails, to connect to the ADSL network, for about half an hour now. Get a new one.
Teshik: A NEW one? No! I can't just remove the feeding tube! That'll be murder!
Scorpio: You're just too cheap to spend 60 bucks for a new one, are you?
Teshik: ...Yes. I am.

---

So, after contemplating the moral implications of pulling the plug on braindead modulating-demodulating systems for a while, I finally gave in and bought a new modem, drove home, installed it, et voilà, internet. Hooray!

---

Malady: (Teshik's sister, popping in) Hey. You got this in the mail.
It seems today, on 8.25 a.m., the Telekom sent their diagnosis team over to my house. Nice of them, except that I had said I'll call back if I want one. The little paper also tells me to call back...the Dreaded Service Hotline Of Hell.
Teshik: Sis?
Malady: Yeah?
Teshik: Could you please rip out my beating heart and force me to eat it, or something?
Malady: Hmm. (checks her watch) I'd love to. But my shift starts in half an hour. You're on your own.
Teshik: *begins silently crying*

---

Telekom: *bee-dee-dee-bah-ding*. Hello, you've just phoned the Telekom Service Line.
Teshik: I will find out who programmed you, and I will find him...
Telekom: ...I will now fill you with annoying crap about how I'm an automatic system for about two endless minutes...
Teshik: ...and then, I rip off his arm, and beat him senseless with it.
Telekom: ...that will direct you to a competent person...
Teshik: ...and then, I'll drop him into a vat of acid.
Telekom: ...and it's state of the art Language recognition! Isn't that spiffy? Just tell me now...
Teshik: And after that, I'll decompile you, code line for code line. ... "Innnntarrrrnet".
Telekom: You just said: "Internet". Now, tell me...
Teshik: "Stööööhrunkkk".
Telekom: You just said: "Störung". Now tell me your telephone number...
Teshik: Please, fuck off and die. *dials his number on the phone*
*tuut-tuuut*

So I got yet another Call Center Agent on the line and told her to stop sending teams my way, seeing as the problem's already been solved. But I fully expect them to be at my doorstep tomorrow, again, for I have summoned The Beast, and it shall find no slumber until it has drankest from my very blood. Let that be a lesson for you, kids: Never, EVER call free Service Hotlines, or you're doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!